I Love Money

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Fake Is Just As Good

Power Outing! Whiteboy, Hoopz, Megan, and Pumkin head out for a day on a yacht. Unfortunately no one feels like talking or enjoying the scenery. It's the most sullen three-hour tour since Mary Ann and Ginger battled it out for The Professor's affections. Once the yacht is parked (okay, fine, dropped anchor) Megan and Pumkin yap at Hoopz like over-caffeinated Shih Tzus barking about who did what to whom and why and who will be loyal to Hoopz. Yappy yap fishcakes. Smartly, Whiteboy lets the girls go at and just sits back hoping Hoopz will forget he exists amid all the high-pitched, shrill, squeaky truth-telling. During the feeding frenzy, the poor tour director tries to announce lunch about four times but keeps getting interrupted by shrieky name-calling. He gives up and calls them "crazy Americans." Oh please don't group me with these people. It's not my fault we live in the same country. Ugh. We are getting the worst global reputation and we don't even get to sleep around.

Back on the boat, it is time for the Paymaster's fifteen minutes. Hoopz asks Whiteboy to talk to her. Whiteboy tries to convince her that Real's proposal was just a scheme to get her off her game. He also thinks that Real is threatened by him because he and Hoopz are friends. I don't know if Whiteboy reads a lot of self-help or pop psychology books, but I know that he listens to a lot of Neil Diamond. He is a softy inside a camouflage camisole. He has beautiful words of wisdom to impart on the world. He shares, he cares, he apologizes to Hoopz for hurting her. Meanwhile, Real prepares a little surprise for Hoopz back at the Casa. Hoopz once told him that she wanted to get married in Italy, so he is recreating Italy in their own backyard. He has a table, two chairs, and a little paper sign that he has written in Sharpie that says, "Italy." If he was seven it would be adorable. He's not seven, so it's retarded. When Hoopz gets back from the Power Outing he tells her to shower and change (rude much?) because he is going to take her somewhere special. Hasn't he had enough awkward encounters for the week? I can't even watch this. Pimptastic Real takes Hoopz by the arm and leads her out to "Italy." She bursts out laughing at the little set up. He pulls out her chair and calls her "Big Butt." Charmante! Real serves up a little drama over his pasta dinner. He disses Megan. He trashes Pumkin. He throws Whiteboy under the taco truck. After ten minutes of bad-mouthing Whiteboy, Hoopz starts to get a clue that Real has serious intentions towards her. She harks back to some malarkey that Whiteboy was spouting about Real's feelings for her clouding his judgment. I wish Hoopz would just man up and kick out Whiteboy because he is a stronger competitor than Megan or Pumkin. It has to be done at some point. Why not now?

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I Love Money




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