I Love Money

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The (Money) Pits

For just a few short moments, we're allowed to see what the world would be without the money-grubbing, conniving beyotches of the VH1 TV shows multiplying throughout our land like cancer. It would be simple, scenic, and serene. Then, the two catamarans of the apocalypse descend, ushering in a new era of whoredom heretofore unseen by mankind.

Frank, a.k.a. "The Entertainer," from I Love New York 2 was dubbed "a loser" by New York (ouch!). He's excited to move on with his pathetic life, and, so be it, "kill two birds with one stone" by maybe finding the love of his life on this (shit)show. "Rodeo," who was booted by Bret Michaels on Rock of Love 2, has come to the Eighth Circle of Hell (all expenses paid!) to win money. Similarly, "Chance" from I Love New York 2 will do just about anything... other than eat "ching chongs or ding dongs." I don't make the rules, folks, I just report 'em...

Next up, the peroxide nightmare known as "Pumkin" readily admits that her claim to fame is spitting on another human being. Sure, that human being (and the term is used very loosely) was New York, but still... With ample cleavage on display, Pumkin guarantees than any hooking up on the show will involve her. And speaking of tramps with standards lower than their shirts are cut, we see a brief glimpse of Heather, from Rock of Love.

But, before we get to meet the Queen Bee-atch herself, I present to you "Mr. Boston," the original nose-picking Lothario of I Love New York. Like Pumkin, Boston plans to bed a lot of skags during this shame spiral that is this show. Speaking of self-proclaimed pimps with dubious-sized packages, it's everyone's favorite D-minus-grade celebrity of smaller stature -- MIDGET MAC!!! The I Love New York 2 teeny-weeny pimp greets us and the other contestants with a guttural bark and the guarantee that he will "party like a rock star," not to mention a few well-placed pelvic thrusts and some confusing, though endearing, uses of the "izzle" suffix.

Trying to steal Mac's thunder is "Heat" from I Love New York. I know "12 Pack" is yet to come, and I don't want to preempt my own jokes, but what a friggin' d-bag. I guess that's not a joke, per se. But that's the thing. I don't even have to make a joke. He's the joke. Either way, Heat plans to take out anybody and everybody on his path to d-bag glory.

Megan from Rock of Love 2 is most notable for being a stupid trampy hag (which is unique among the Rock of Love contestants, I swear!), wearing a bikini, and being a semi-racist dog owner who thought bringing her Chihuahua to Mexico would be the equivalent of taking Alex Haley back to Africa. Roots!

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I Love Money

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