I Love Money

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So Long, Tosser

The Powers That Be here at Television Without Pity e-mailed me a few weeks ago asking if I would be willing to cover this show, since Lady Lola sensibly arranged to have herself shanghaied by hirsute sailors in order to avoid any further association with it. I agreed -- I mean, heck, I already cover America's Got Talent, so clearly I have something against my brain cells. I had never watched the show, but I had seen Rock of Love, so I was vaguely familiar with the "skank" oeuvre. In order to prepare myself for tonight's episode I needed to catch up on the drama. So I watched three episodes. In a row. I then took a shower, a shot of bourbon, and cried a little. I am now prepared to bring you the weecap of tonight's episode. God help us all.

In last week's episode, as predicted by the episode's title, Heat was sent home by The Entertainer in order to prove his love of Destiney and his gender's inability to think in the presence of Megan's boobs. I wonder if The Entertainer is humbled by the fact that Bret Michaels was man enough to send Megan home. More likely, though, is that Bret Michaels is gay. It's the only plausible explanation for his unique ability to withstand the awesome boobtasticness that is Megan. Or it's his superpower. Or he's gay. Whatever. My point is, Megan stayed and Heat and his patriotic shorts were sent packing. So long, love triangle!

At La Casa de Herpes, 12 Pack is preparing to clean up The Entertainer's mess. What mess? The not-getting-rid-of-Whiteboy mess. His plan? To get the Green Team to throw the challenge in order to get rid of Whiteboy. Brandi C., Megan and Mr. Boston are onboard with the plan because they are actually (and momentarily) self-aware enough to realize that no one likes them. 12 Pack promises that if they go along with him, they'll be safe, so obviously they agree. Destiney agrees to the plot as well, and the groundwork is set. I don't know why these people are listening to a man in a star-spangled spandex singlet with Sun-Inned hair. I guess in the context of everyone else in that house he looks downright Senatorial.

The next challenge is announced. Mr. Jackson tells them to choose new captains, suit up, and head out. He gives them a clue involving the word "launched." It was very subtle. Chance is elected captain of the Green Team. Mr. Boston tells us that when they throw the challenge it will look like Chance's fault because he is in charge. The Gold Team elects 12 Pack. 12 Pack announces that The Entertainer is retarded. A clip of said Entertainer giggling rather retardedly is edited in. Nice job, editor! I can't believe you were so callously overlooked for that Emmy nod. 12 Pack tells us some more about how he has to clean up The Entertainer's mess and get Whiteboy out of the house.

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I Love Money

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