I Love Money

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Love Hurts, and So Does My Head

As you may have noticed, for some irritating reason (a.k.a. the Video Music Awards) I Love Money was pre-empted last week and replaced with a giant pink screen directing people to change the channel and watch the aforementioned Video Music Awards. So this herpes-addled yawnfest was dragged out another week and we had to watch Russell Brand for two hours. Life is really not fair sometimes.

Daybreak at La Casa de Crabs. And speaking of Crabs, Hoopz is bedded down with Mr. Body Lice himself, Real. Pimptastic! Hoopz fake sleeps while Real gropes her in hopes of getting some nicey-nice. In the confession cam, Real admits that he has developed some strong feelings for Hoopz and he may have to do something bold and drastic. How bold and drastic? He surprises Hoopz with flowers for Valentine's Day. Aw, pimp has a soft side. Meanwhile, Hoopz confesses that she has a boyfriend back home, but it's cool because Real is respectful and keeps his distance. Um, skank? What's up with sleeping in the same bed with him? That ain't right. Hoopz and Real hug for about twenty minutes over the flowers, while everyone in the room awkwardly watches and/or avoids watching. Whiteboy is concerned by this turn of events and vows to keep his eye on Real. Just one eye. The other will be tastefully averted in the case of any more hugging.

Megan and Pumkin want to win today. Unlike the other players who really want to lose. They secretly strategize for the challenge ahead. Craig calls and announces that today's challenge will involve "hanging on." They have an hour to prep. The Entertainer uses his hour to call his mother because he is feeling a bit lonely after retardedly getting rid of his one and only remaining alliance-mate last week. By the way, courtesy of VH1's crack graphics department, we get to see that The Entertainer's mother has the most amazing head of beehived Jersey hair this side of Hairspray. As The Entertainer and his mother exchange barbs over long distance, we realize that The Entertainer needs to get out of his parents' house, like, bad.

The skanktestants are dropped off at their Challenge destination and Pumkin is glad to see that there are stripper poles and disco balls awaiting them. With Megan, Brandi and Pumkin's experience in this arena, she is confident they are going to win this Challenge. Craig announces that the Challenge is called "The Pole Dance." At the mere mention of a stripper pole we are treated to a few of the classier clips from Rock of Love. God, I can't wait 'til Rock of Love Girls: Charm School starts airing. Craig explains that the person who hangs on the pole the longest will become Paymaster. That said, there is a twist. The first person to fall off the pole is getting their check voided right then and there. No arguments, no alliances, just voided. Awesome. If this sort of thing keeps up this show may actually have an end in sight. Pumkin realizes that her secret alliance may be in trouble, since they are the physically weakest of the remaining cast members. Brandi cries as the cast members are lifted into the air. She is afraid of heights. Every reality show has to have at least one person forced to face their fear of heights. It's in the reality show by-laws. Whiteboy is concerned about facing off against ex-strippers and current strippers and others familiar with the old pole. Craig shouts up to the skanktestants that this competition is as much about strength as technique. Thirty seconds in, and The Entertainer is sliding down the pole. Pumkin shouts that it hurts her vajayjay. Class, thy name is Pumkin. The Entertainer is still sliding. Then, at one minute and twenty-three seconds, the unthinkable happens and The Entertainer crashes down into the water. And just like that, he is out. He looks pale in his confessional interview. He did not want to lose, but he is a loser. He lives at home with his parents and now has to pack up his bags and go back. You almost feel bad for the guy. Then you remember that he is a total loser.

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I Love Money

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