I Love Money

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Happy Ending, or Karma’s a Bitch

While I'm sure you all loved the clip show last week, I for one am thrilled to be back reporting from the frontlines. I'm so close to my television I should be wearing prophylactics! I'm willing to take the risk, though, because this is it, folks! This is the Season Finale. This is the day that we will finally learn which one of these slack-jawed troglodytic skanks wins $250,000 of hard(ly)-earned money. That's a quarter of a million dollars, that is. Of course in these days of billion and trillion dollar numbers getting bandied about like they ain't no thing but a chicken wing, 250 Gs doesn't seem that outlandish of a number. I totally don't mind that one of these individuals will be making more money in one day than I could make in 29 years of recapping this show. I don't mind at all, no sirree. Besides, these four remaining contestants have been working hard for the money. Megan hasn't worn a lick of clothing for two months, and her butt crack has been seen by my grandma! Hoopz had to snuggle down with both Real and Whiteboy and expose her man hands on national television! Whiteboy had to wear a camisole and get a Neil Diamond tattoo and pretend to be friends with Real and admit that he had emotions! And Real had to wear nothing but pimp clothes, and his embarrassing proposal to Hoopz and her justified laugh attack was witnessed by millions! These people have been working hard. So sit back, do a tequila shot off the closest stripper, pop open a Schlitz and a can of Pringles and let's find out who wins this thing.

Morning comes to La Casa des Crabs. And they are showing... crabs. On the beach. Mating. It can't be a coincidence... can it? [Maybe it's a shout-out? - Zach] Megan can't believe there are only four people left, and she is down to her last bikini. She wants to win and go bikini shopping. Maybe if we all focus our brainwaves, we can convince her to buy a pair of shorts that actually cover her rear. Start now! Focus, everyone! Real is not talking to Whiteboy. Or vice versa. Hoopz may not be talking to Whiteboy or Real, either. Ah, the Stallionaires. Your alliance doesn't make any sense now that you're in the finale, eh? Here, you're all competing with each other. If Whiteboy had just gotten rid of Real and Hoopz (actual competitors) he would be competing against Pumkin or Brandi now and would probably win. Craig calls to announce the challenge. He requests that they dress athletically and bring tennis shoes. Whiteboy is excited because he's performed so well in prior physical challenges. That was a joke, people. Megan is more realistic about her (lack of) prospects in a physical challenge. Hoopz and Real actually stretch before leaving.

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I Love Money

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