I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here!

Why Were They Playing, Again?

Episode 14 - Lou Diamond Phillips dominated the game, and the hearts of everyone who voted (except the perverts and teenage boys who liked Torrie) and so, of course, is named "king of the jungle." I think he also won something for his charity, but the show forgot to talk about that.

Two Guys And A Girl

Episode 13 - Sanjaya gets eliminated early and then we lose Patti, leaving us with a John, Lou and Torrie finale. It's anyone's game, but mostly America's, since voting is the only thing that decides who will win. The big question: Does anyone care?

Hey! It's A Non-Elimination Episode!

Episode 12 - They want us to feel like this was an elimination, but Stephen leaves willingly, the campers vote Holly back, and then Holly's eliminated. Not exactly exciting, now, is it? Unless you like watching people drink tarantulas, scorpions and dung beetles. That's right: Drink.

America's Not As Dumb As I Thought

Episode 11 - At least the voting public got rid of one thorn in our sides. But not before plenty more havoc and mayhem, including the celebrities dressing up like superheroes and swimming in the mud with crocodiles. Oh, and with two sent home tonight and another one out Monday, we're finally getting somewhere.

Fake Affairs and Fake Drama

Episode 10 - This show wants to make a friendship seem like a sordid affair and makes us wait all hour for voting results that are not results so much as telling two people whether they are in the top or bottom four.

Celebrity Sleepover Camp

Episode 9 - The celebrities make a short horror film that's actually funny. Sanjaya sings, and no one likes it except viewers. It's amazing how much more tolerable this show has gotten since Speidi left.

It Did What in the Rain Forest?!

Episode 8 - That's right: It rained. Which was apparently totally unexpected, and even kept the only live moment of the game from actually taking place. In other words: Two hours of buildup and no climax. Total letdown.

Bad Decision, America

Episode 7 - Proving once again that, as a collective, we totally suck, we don't get rid of Janice. Or even, as an alternative, Patti, who is somehow apparently getting the sympathy vote thanks to her husband being a(n alleged) douchebag. Good move, voters.

Janice: Even Crazier Than Speidi

Episode 6 - Janice Dickinson is not just ugly, foul-mouthed and disgusting, she's also a thief and a food hoarder. Enjoy her while she lasts, folks. She's here all week (but hopefully not next).

Speidi Finally Gone For Good

Episode 5 - It took a bad bout of gas to knock Speidi out of the competition, but they're not coming back this time (we hope and pray). Unfortunately, Janice is still here, and she's still crazy.

Janice Dickinson: A Model Contestant

1-1: 2009.06.01

Heidi Montag: Welcome to the Jungle, We've Got Dry Shampoo

Spencer (Pratt): For Hire

1-5: 2009.06.08

1-7: 2009.06.11

1-2: 2009.06.02

Sanjaya Malakar: American Idle

Patti Blagojevich: Doing Her Part To Clear Her Husband's Name

1-4: 2009.06.04