It's finale night. Finale. After this, I will be drinking heavily every night. Oh, wait, that's what I've already been doing. Don't tell. Previouslies tell us what's happened: Thirteen "celebrities" were locked in "competition" for 24 days. Our votes are in, and only one celebrity can be crowned king or queen of the jungle. And it's "live." Opening credits. Myleene and Damien welcome us to the finale, and say it's once again raining in the rain forest. I would hate to be with them in the rain forest, because it would get a little tiring to be told every time it's raining. They remind us that John, Torrie and Lou are in the finale, and tonight one of them will be crowned the king or queen of the jungle. And it's all based on America's votes.
Before we get into any actual forward movement, let's do a little more flashing back. In other words, let's look back at -- as Myleene calls it -- "their incredible journey." Hmmm. I guess I can see that. Torrie's the cat, Lou's the bull terrier, and John's the lab, right? She couldn't have meant "incredible journey" in any other sense than as a comparison to that movie, I'm sure, because calling anything about this show "incredible"? Um... no. Anyway, we flash back to the beginning, when Lou wanted to win, Heidi didn't want to know what she was getting into, and Patti took a float down the river. Drama started immediately as Spencer was a kook, and Heidi cried because everyone removed the labels from her dry shampoo. Spencer was too rich and too famous to be with these people, so they left. Then Speidi came back and Stephen baptized them. Then they really left, because Heidi was sick. And America -- or the five of us watching this -- rejoiced at not having to see their gross faces again.
The camp was divided into men versus women, and men dominated the competitions. They ate gross things a lot. Torrie hated losing. Then Daniel surprised the camp. America sent Angela home first, and then Frances chose to leave, too. Holly joined camp, and Sanjolly was created. Janice and the rest of the camp hated each other. Mostly they hated her, and she freaked out about it. Everything was totally emotional. John cried a lot. Patti cried a lot. Sanjaya cried a lot. After Frangela, Daniel was eliminated, then Janice, then Holly, then Sanjaya, then Patti. We, America, have chosen the final three: John (clip of him saying "I will not lose!"), Torrie ("This... is what it all comes down to.") and Lou ("Quitting was never an option.") Who will be crowned king or queen of the jungle? Back with Myleene and Damien, it's actually raining hard enough for us to hear it. So, yeah, that's rain. And they don't even talk about it. They look at the campers, who are sitting around looking seriously. They talk about each of them, but we don't really need to recap who they are again, do we? Dear God, I hope not.