Jack & Jill
A Key Exchange

Episode Report Card
Tumbleweed: D | Grade It Now!
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I'll Take ManNOTtan

Ferret sits brunching with her smarmy agent, who oozes, "Believe it, gorgeous, ya made it!" She asks about the competition and the agent, with immobile features and no inflection, says, "Two, and you're ten times better than both of them," then hisses, "I'm telling you, Audrey, this is only the beginning. You're going to have a major career!" Ferret fishes for flattery, asking how he knows, and the expressionless agent -- whose face is clearly no stranger to the business end of a Botox needle -- says, "You have a quality, and people are going to see that," adding, "You're gonna be huge, and I'm gonna take you there." Ever susceptible to her own hype, the Ferret giggles toothsomely and says, "Okay!"

"How you feeling, Zane?" asks Harry Shearer, whose career must have taken a dizzying nosedive for him to be doing a generic walk-on as Barto's advisor. Barto says he's tired and the advisor starts talking about how much better Barto's grades are. "That's a good thing, right?" Barto asks. "Well, it is if you're putting yourself in the running for the research fellowship at Duke," says Dr. Shearer, instigating a tiresome exchange wherein Barto professes ignorance of the Duke residency and Shearer offers to get it for him if he aces his finals. "Gotcha," Barto says. "And don't say, 'Gotcha,' says Shearer, in lovable old curmudgeon mode. Barto starts nodding off in his chair due to the righteous weed he clearly wake-and-baked with before his breakfast meeting. Shearer says, "Still here?" and he beats a hasty retreat.

Horror of horrors, it's Jack in a frilly negligee topped by a feathery crimson bolero jacket. I'll try to make this as painless as possible. Jill is lying on the bed reading gay porn and looks nonplussed by her come-hither getup. She kicks off her chunky, open-toed mules and Jill asks, "What's going on?" "I want you to close your eyes," Jack wheezes, advancing on the bed, "and imagine." "Imagine what?" Jill asks as she straddles him. "Just imagine -- we're in church," she says. "What?" Jill says. "Wait, I wrote it all down," she says. "We're in church, and it's almost empty. Almost, but not quite. And I take you behind a pew." Unless that "almost, but not quite" was a reference to an apse filled with members of 'NSync, I don't think Jack will find any takers for this fantasy in Jill's body. She palpates his face and says, "I'm gonna rock your world like it's never been rocked before." She starts ingesting his earlobe and he says, "I don't know what I did to deserve this, but I'm very grateful!"

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Jack & Jill

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