Jack & Jill
Animal Planet, Part II

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Tumbleweed: D | Grade It Now!
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The Foul Nine Yards

Audrey staggers down the street dressed like Speed Racer as Barto ambles behind her. "On the kitchen floor?!" she says incredulously. "Jack wouldn't even eat a piece of toast she dropped on the floor." It speaks to the grittiness of Ferret-Face's hardscrabble, urban-rodent upbringing that she considers it strange not to eat crumbs off the floor. Barto says Ferret must get her ankle checked out, and suggests that she go to his dad's best friend, who's an orthopedist. Ferret accuses him of trying to get out of dancing with her on Valentine's Day, spurring Barto to escalate his compulsive diagnoses, saying, "You can barely walk. You could have torn a ligament, you could have soft-tissue damage or a fracture, why don't you just let me check it out." Ferret tells Barto he's "just going to have to play doctor with someone else," and, too stoned to put up much of a fight, he backs off.

Adding insult to injury, it's Ick again, looking like a Rastafarian on a bad hair day. She leers drunkly at a male officemate as she enters the office with her coat falling off. Elispa follows her to her desk, lisping urgently in unbecoming office casuals: a turquoise mock turtleneck and pleated black maxi-skirt. "Jack, you are four hours late." Ick acts pleased with herself and starts scratching herself behind the ear like a dog, claiming that she "had to do that thing for that guy in . . . that department." "Which guy?" asks Elispa, who has been covering for Ick all morning while Ick swaps bodily fluids with the guy Elispa just broke up with. Ick makes earnest eye contact with Elispa and admits she was with Ill, then asks if it's okay for her to talk about it with Elispa. Elispa assents spinelessly and Ick grins dumbly, elated to have another target besides Ferret for her skanky, Ill-related confessions. "I told him not to give up and I guess he didn't," says Elispa, causing Ick to bare her wisdom teeth in narcissistic glee. Elispa asks how she ended things with Anchormatt, and Ick looks inconvenienced by this reminder of the eight-hour turnaround between Bachelors 1 and 2. "Oh, kind of abruptly. I really need to talk to him," she says, combing her hands through a hairdon't not even Carrot Top would sanction. Elispa regards Anchormatt, who is slumped in his IKEA office cubicle wearing a tan suit, and wishes Ick luck. Ick's face droops with trepidation.

Throwaway scene with Ill and Mikey, wherein Mikey admits he might be interested in a relationship with Lucy, then counsels Ill not to call Ick, claiming "there's a reason nature has a dude fall asleep after coitus. It's to keep a girl on her toes." Mikey, I believe what nature intended in your case was that a dude shut up every once in awhile. Mikey implies that he will dump Belinda after Valentine's Day, transferring his affections to Lucy.

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Jack & Jill

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