Previously: Jack jumps the "I love you," gun, Mikey and Elispa move in together. Jill tells Jack he feels pointless, and Jack and her enormous choppers tell him there's "nothing he can't do." Then they say I love you for real.
The Bachelor Shack. Jack and Jill are making out. Jack turns out the lights. Jill asks her to leave them on. Jack says why. I start to whistle the theme song from The Crying Game plays softly in the background. They argue for a while. The point is, Jill wants to see everything in the full operating room glare of his bedside lamp, while Jack is a big prude. Jill tries telling her she's beautiful but she's having none of it, so then he asks what is the problem she has with nakedness. Jack says she has a problem with nakedness and a hundred-watt bulb "working together, against me." Jack goes on to say she doesn't see the point of having the light on, since they know where everything is. She clicks off the light and then says, "Proceed. As usual." Then she sniffs real loud. Jill says, "I love it when you talk dirty."
Some pretentious photography weenie wearing a billowing shirt and jeans worn in the European fashion with an earring and a beard is asking Jill's photography class what's interesting about a photograph of a man smoking next to a large leaf. Jill, the big suck-ass, raises his hand and says that the part of the composition that's in the shadow is just as important as the part that's in the light. Pretentious Photography Teacher tells him exactamundo. Jill looks more enthralled than I've seen him all season. PPT tells them their assignments are due next week.
Camera pans over some Ansel-Adams rip-off shots of cumulus and cirrus clouds. Jack tells Jill that the photos are "incredible," and that Jill has an eye, and this is what he is "meant to do." Now, it's very nice that Jack is being combination cheerleader/stage mom, but could she shut up for just one minute, since Jill's taken a few rolls of film, not exactly a whole portfolio? Jill says that it's been a hobby, and that he's lucky to get into this class, since the instructor has photos hanging in the Whitney. He then tells her they're doing nudes next, and does she want to pose for him? Jack goes through some rhetorical bullshit, combined with Jill's wheedling, that adds up to a big "No." But of course she can't just say no, she has to spew out some bilious line about how she'd rather eat a large lunch and try on bikinis next to Elle MacPherson under fluorescent lights. Now that's comedy, right there, kids. Remember it for later. Jack tells Jill to ask someone else. He asks, "Is Audrey home?" She oh-so-playfully pushes him. He walks away, muttering that maybe Mikey knows some models. Jack throws a pillow at him.
Elispa opens the door, wearing a bathrobe stolen from Yul Brenner's The King and I wardrobe. Jonathan enters. Mikey, revealing his frighteningly fleshless torso, six-pack in full evidence like some living, mentally-handicapped Gray's Anatomy diagram, swathes himself in a towel and greets Jonathan, who is clearly not pleased with a naked porn star wandering around his girlfriend's apartment. Mikey asks Jonathan if he wants some of Elispa's lasagna. Jonathan, filled to the rim with brimming Ike-Turner-ness, says no, they're about to go eat, while Mikey sings Elispa's praises some more: "She's a great cook. And she gets groceries. Don't know what I'd do without her." Well, Mikey, you could just move the hell back in with your parents, at a guess. Jonathan mutters something about Mikey putting on some clothes. Elispa sashays out, wearing the very latest in satin muu-muus, complete with bizarre white satin cover-up. Mikey tells her she's looking good. Elispa smacks one on Jonathan while Mikey hoovers up lasagna like it was his first meal since being released from a POW camp.