Jack & Jill
Starstruck

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The Barto And Ferret Show

Previously: crap happened. Then some more crap happened. Then the crap ended. Specifically, Audrey gets a role in a mewvie (tm Tumbleweed). Barto gets some research fellowship at Duke. Barto and Audrey argue about who is going to compromise in their romance. If I'm not mistaken, I thought they were supposed to be secondary characters in this glorious program, but the entire "previously" was about their little interspecies romance.

And now. A completely forgettable episode. Of Jack and Jill.

Jill, sporting a full face of shaving cream and BVDs, stumbles out of Boudoir de Doom, Jack clutching onto him like a barnacle on the wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald. She tells him he can use her razor. He says he can't, there's something about a pink razor -- kind of takes away the manly aspect of shaving. Jill decides to go back to his place. They kiss, in this totally adorable, uncontrived, and original moment that just makes the toes of America curl with romantic envy. Not. Amanda Peet ends up with this big curl of shaving cream on her face that looks like a desiccated booger.

Cut to next scene. Jack hops up to Jill's to fetch her "toothpaste -- the one with the extra baking soda." Jill looks repulsed, as if his Quaalude-and-vodka hangover had worn off and he realized what had happened to his career in the eight months since he went on that bender.

Next scene. Jill comes over to Jack's to fetch his Gold's Gym sweatshirt. Jack has a toothbrush jammed in her gaping maw. Now I know there is no God because she doesn't fall on it, stabbing the toothbrush through her larynx and rendering her completely incapable of speech.

Next scene. Jill meets Jack as they hustle down (him) and up (her) the stairs. Jill's left socks at her place. Jack left her favorite bra at his place. Jack looks puzzled. Jill explains the principles of her favorite-sweater bra, "that has rounding qualities that work really well with sweaters," as opposed to her favorite-shirt bra, "that does a low-cut cleavage kind of thing." I'm glad that Jack has taken navel-gazing to another level and instead stares at her girls all day, planning tactical maneuvers that would make Commander Erwin Rommel proud. Jill pretends to get really horny and runs after her up the stairs.

Credits. You know, we might never know the truth about Romeo because this ass-munching show got cancelled. 'Tis a pity, truly. Truly.

Everyone's favorite dancin' rodent stands on the street corner, her hair down for once in her adult life, as Barto runs up and announces he got the Duke fellowship. She leaps nimbly into his arms and wraps her little paws around him as he spins, and they are both ecstatic. Barto announces that Madison told him no one was even close. Ferret says she knew he'd get it. They discuss when he's leaving for North Carolina -- a week from Tuesday. They realize that by that point La Ferreta will be in L.A., but they make empty promises to call one another every day and night. Essentially it's a case of their lips saying "yes, yes," but their big, blank, eyes saying, "no, no." Ferret, looking jaw-juttingly determined, says, "Okay, we have to celebrate tonight, where should we go," in an attempt at tough-as-nails delivery. Barto says, his voice dropping an octave or so, "Anywhere my beautiful movie-star girlfriend wants to take me." He attempts to strike a seductive note but looks like a freaky child molester instead. Ferret attempts a mid-Atlantic accent and says, "We'll have to go somewhere where the paparazzi won't bother us," and then grins widely, throwing her protuberant snout into even further prominence. They walk off arm in arm.

Elispa, hair looking as tired as Liza Minnelli's career, and Jack, looking, well, like an equine man, stand on the fire escape, arranging flowers and discussing Audrey's imminent departure and maybe how Jill should move in since they already spend so much time together anyway. Jack demurs, saying that they're just getting used to the whole "key thing." Elispa lisps, "I can vouch for him as a roommate, although we only lived together for about five minutes, since he was in love with you, which is a plus in your situation." Jack wonders if Jill would want to move in. They giggle girlishly while I fantasize about the fire escape giving way under the combined weight of their terrible acting, which, if it could be quantified in atomic terms, is probably the densest material known to humankind.

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Jack & Jill

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