Jack & Jill
Starstruck

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The Barto And Ferret Show

Next scene. @Bar. Audrey and her nasty little rotund fireplug of an agent, Dan, are having a drink. Dan tells the Ferret that the deal is closed, and that they're working out per diem and allowances, and that they're trying to get her carrier sent to Chateau Marmont, which proves that Dan, the nasty little rotund fireplug, reads InStyle just like everyone else. The Ferret opens her maw to express astonishment, since she, like everyone else, thought that the Marmont had a strict no-feral-rodents policy. But you know, "Integration Now, Segregation Never" seems to be the prevailing ethos of the nasty little rotund fireplug's life. Ferret goes on to say how she can't believe all that's happening to her. She thanks Dan the NLRF for having faith in her, and Dan says meaningfully, "It's more than faith, Audrey," and Audrey looks down modestly, a blush apparent on her weaselly little face, but Dan gets interrupted from putting his own little leash of love on our favorite Ferret by the entrance of Rebecca Please Romijn a Model and Not Become a Hyphenate Model-turned-Actress, a.k.a. "Mattress," enters the @Bar, dressed in fetching sports separates and a leather fisherman's hat that looks like a too-tight condom on her big, blonde head.

Everyone gapes. Audrey says, "Oh my God," and Dan says, "Paris! Over here!" Audrey says, "You know her?" and Dan says, "I represent her," and I sure hope Dan means that in the hip-hop sense, because this premise is straining the already thin Saran Wrap of credibility this show has. Because, you know, sooo many movie stars are named "Paris" (although more than a few porn stars are), and, of course, a big movie star's agent would be based in New York and would be catering to the needs of an unknown dancer, not, say, in Los Angeles, where every major talent agency is located. Yes. Dan the NLRF says, "You look amazing," and Rebecca Please Romijn HOME With Your Washed-Up Soap Star Wannabe Rocker Husband says, "Dan, you need a new line," and he says, "You look fantastic." She says, "That's a good one," and to give credit where credit is due, RRS manages to deliver her line readings fairly naturally, which is more than any other member of "Dreck and Roadkill" have been able to do. Audrey does a few weird flexes with her torso and gets introduced to "Paris Everett."

Cut to Mikey and his boss standing at the bar. The boss points out that it's Paris Everett. Mikey lists her entire filmography. The boss comments that Mikey sounds like a big fan. Mikey says, "She's perfection. I've been in love with her before I ever saw her." Say what? If anyone can give me a context for that line that makes any sense, please email it to me. The winner with the most plausible explanation wins three stale Krispy Kremes and a Duncan Imperial Butterfly yo-yo.

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Jack & Jill

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