Jack & Jill
Starstruck

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The Barto And Ferret Show

Bachelor arms. Barto keeps saying that he's an idiot, he's scum. Jill and Mikey tell him he's neither of those things, that he just made an enormous mistake, the "kahuna of big mistakes." At this point I can barely distinguish the three men from one another. They just all look like slightly different variations on big Ken dolls to me, so forgive me if I scramble the dialogue and attribute it to the wrong Ken doll. Jill says the Ferret might forgive Barto. Barto says he's going up. The minute he leaves, Mikey asks where's the Nintendo. Jill says it's at Jack's. Mikey asks desperately where the controller is. Jill asks him why he wants the controller if there's no Nintendo. Mikey confesses that sometimes he just likes to hold it. Jesus, are the writers just stealing lines straight from Young, Hard and Solo or what?

Amish Acres. Elispa is wearing some lovely chinoiserie-inspired schmatte and yapping about herself, as usual, and telling one of her wacky childhood anecdotes about how she gave herself a lobotomy -- I mean, a Cleopatra haircut. "Paris" comments that she probably looked adorable and Mikey agrees through clenched teeth, and then shoots Elispa the evil eye. Elispa, with some alacrity, gets the hell out of Dodge. Mikey turns to "Paris." "Paris" says, of Elispa, "She's great." Mikey agrees. "Paris" starts rolling her head around on her neck, saying how the training for her new action flick leaves her wanting a massage. Mikey says he could suggest a licensed therapist. "Paris" all but spits in disgust and says it's time for her to go. Mikey, sensing he is losing momentum, offers to make her dinner tomorrow night, and moves in close to her to open the door, but then coyly pulls away. After she leaves he bangs his head on the door, either in frustration, or maybe to get at the meat, like the way you'd crack a coconut open with a blunt object.

Jack's bathroom. Jack and Jill perform their ablutions. Jill asks how Audrey is. Accusingly, Jack says, "How do you think?" After a pause she asks how Barto is. Jill replies not good. Jack says maybe they shouldn't talk about it. Jill agrees. Two seconds later, using that contradictory-yet-lovable schtick that has worked oh-so-well for her, thus far ingraining her in the hearts and minds of TV viewing audiences in Blatwell, Illinois (pop. 542), she screams, "What the hell was he thinking?" and Jill tries to defend Barto by saying, "He made a mistake." They start fighting, defending their respective friends. Jack whispers kittenishly, "I told you we shouldn't have talked about it." Can I describe to you how annoying Amanda Peet is? I think there are fungi out there who are better actors. I think you could throw a rock out a window and hit someone with more talent and comedic timing than she has. Okay, I'm fine now. Really. So Jack tells Jill maybe he should go back to his place. Jill says, "I thought this was my place." Jack stutters out that maybe he could go down there since no one's living there yet. Jill asks what they're gonna do when someone is living there and they have a fight.

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Jack & Jill

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