Jack & Jill
Starstruck

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The Barto And Ferret Show

Showdown at the hoedown. Cab pulls up to Ferret Flats and the Ferret herself gets out. Barto jumps out of the lurking shadows and tells her everything, the whole Friends rip-off plot, using, as far as I can tell, even the Friends dialogue, except with a few name changes. The Ferret tells him it's a lame excuse, and that's the kind of behavior she used to indulge in, and that the ironic thing is he's the one who called her on her behavior. Barto says there must be a way they can work it out. The Ferret says, "NEIN, Sie ekelhaftes whore!" or words to that effect. The Ferret tells him it's over. The Piano of Discord starts to play its lonely tune, soon joined by the Clarinet of Hackneyed Relationships.

Mikey and Elispa at a roach coach, getting coffee. Mikey tells disbelieving Elispa that he and "Paris" are going to get it on that night. Mikey also tells Elispa it was part of his new strategy, soon to be his old strategy, because he can't take it. Elispa tells him he doesn't need a strategy, that "Paris" is really into him. Mikey says really? And Elispa says, of course, who wouldn't be. Then Mikey takes a sip of his coffee and says, "I burned my larynx." Elispa repeats disbelievingly, "You burned your larynx? Who says that?" Yes. And I believe Elispa's question could be rightfully applied to every piece of dialogue ever uttered on this show.

Ferret Flats. Jack says, "I probably wouldn't have forgiven him either. I can't believe it's over." The Ferret keeps packing. "It's over. And I leave tomorrow." A knock at the door. It's Annie. Jack makes a hasty exit. Annie tells Audrey that she knows she's the last person Audrey wants to see right now. Audrey says cryptically, "Takes two." Annie says, "True. But I think it was more me. I think I wanted it to happen. Because I'm totally in love with him." Audrey whirls around and says, "Oh, thank you, that makes me feel so much better." Annie says, "But he's totally in love with you, and he's scared to death of losing you." The Ferret asks when they discussed this -- before, during, or after. Little Orphan Annie looks frumpy and upset. I liked her much better when she played bitchy Amber in Clueless. Elisa Donovan, get in touch with your inner Amber!

Barto walks aimlessly around the city. He's upset, or stoned, or both.

Some whiny fool sings something about lost love and "I weeeeell luuuuu-uuuuhve you" over and over and over again and the Ferret, obviously hearkening back to her days in the woods, starts to do a -- I kid you not -- melancholy performance dance in her totally empty dance studio while wearing a teeny black bra and pants from the J. Jill catalogue. These shots of her dancing are interspersed with shots of Barto sitting around looking melancholy. Okay, at this point I feel utter horror and embarrassment for Jaime Pressly, physical embarrassment at this utterly ridiculous, bizarre, and pretentious performance. The last scene of the Ferret dancing shows her feeling up her own armpit, and then bursting into tears. You draw your own conclusions. Perhaps she felt a swollen gland. Barto looks disconsolate. Cut to the Ferret as she sits in the middle of the floor, weeping.

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Jack & Jill

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