Jack and Audrey's apartment. Audrey is watching a surgical procedure on TLC. Jack stops balancing her checkbook and walks over. "God, that's her skin!" she exclaims. "He's pulling the skin off her earflap! Bleagh!" Jack asks Audrey why she's watching this and taking notes. Audrey says it's just in case it ever comes up in daily conversation. No slouch on the uptake is Jack, and immediately ascertains Barto's the reason behind this. Audrey says he thinks she's stupid. Jack protests. Audrey says Barto never talks about med school stuff with her. Jack asks if Audrey really wants to talk to him about it. Audrey says no, but she wants HIM to want to talk to her about it, and she wants to be able to respond intelligently, just once, and then they never have to talk about it again. I hate to say it, but that pretty much summed up my feelings when I was dating a radiologist. There's only so many times you can feign interest in how barium works with X-rays. Jack says that it's weird that for the first time Audrey's with a good guy, while she's with a questionable guy. Audrey expresses disbelief that Matt is questionable because he "owns, like, thirty ties." OKAY, you know what, I know this dialogue is supposed to be whimsical and endearing, but the idiotic superficiality of that statement makes me want to spear Ferret Face's eyeballs like overripe grapes on my pen as I take notes. Jack says poignantly, doing her best Meg Ryan, "And yet I still have this horrible vision . . . that those ties are all over town." She aims for "wistful and poignant" with her facial expression, but succeeds in communicating only "I have a hard time reading without moving my lips." I throw my notebook at the TV.
Allison's industrial loft. Barto is chowing down on some hors d'oeuvres. "These are good," he says. "Do you think she made them herself?" "Definitely," choruses the gang. You know, I really think it's a sign of the downfall of Western Culture As We Know It when the leitmotifs of St. Elmo's Fire are being ripped off. Allison stumbles out. "Sorry to abandon you mid-tour -- minor disaster in the kitchen." She focuses in on Matt -- who, I'd like to point out, could use with MORE eyebrow pencil just as Jack and Jill could both stand less -- "Where have I seen you before?" Matt says, "Aw shucks, ma'am, tweren't nothin!" Kidding. He acts modest, Jack brags that he's a well-known reporter, he says not very well-known. They're interrupted by Mikey as he joins the group and tells the crowd that the bathroom soaps are shaped like little turtles. Allison says how glad she is to see him and that she got him a present. Everyone looks on in delight, anticipating another enormous social blunder. They are not disappointed. Allison hands Mikey a package, declaring that she saw it and thought of him. Mikey says thanks and rips open the package. It's a book: Awaken the Goliath Within. Very ouch, baby. Everyone winces and grins in discomfort. Allison then focuses her laser-like ability to insult on Barto and Audrey. Barto is unfalteringly Hoovering up what looks like rumaki, or perhaps a brownie. "You two are such a cute couple! How do you do it?" Audrey asks, "Do what?" Allison proceeds to explain that when she was in law school she never would've had time for a relationship because she really wanted to do well. "So do we," Audrey says, doing a pretty good Heathers imitation and dripping disdain. Allison stutters her apologies. "I -- I -- I didn't mean that dancing isn't just as demanding -- it's just that, it's more taxing on the body than the brain." Everyone winces.