Jack & Jill
To Be Perfectly Honest

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To Be Perfectly Honest

Previously: Audrey decides to "be" with Barto; Elispa keeps playing her version of Strangers on a Train, "Pathetic Obsessive on the Crosstown Bus"; Jill gets sued for stealing a man's wife and ends up dating the plaintiff's lawyer; and Jack and Anchormatt go through dating games and end up playin' Scrabble.

Jack and Anchormatt smack lips outside her apartment building. Apparently the WB not only got government funds for putting anti-drug messages in their shows, but they also get a subsidy to put as MANY audible smacking noises on as possible. Murmurs and noises of "calling you later" are made. Jack's hair looks like she had sex with the Greek Navy. Jill walks by. "Top of the morning to you," he says. "Although it's noon." He then tries to be whimsical and charming by saying, "You crazy kids," and shaking his finger at them. Anchormatt and Jack play smacky-smacky some more; Anchormatt walks away. Jill points out that Jack has a massive case of bed-head and really shouldn't be seen in public like that, and I hate to say this of any WB character, but he has a point. Words cannot describe adequately the corrugated-cardboard holocaust of her hair. Jack and Jill indulge in some URST -- unrelieved sexual tension -- disguised as love-life banter. Jack goes googly over Anchormatt and Jill indulges her. Jack asks about Allison and Jill admits he likes her. He says he is "seeing her tonight," and Jack says, "Oooh, Sunday night date. Very telling." What does it tell, Jill inquires. "Well, it's very different from a Saturday night date. Much more personal. Sunday night date is invading like, your school-night space," Jack says, making a disproportionate amount of mouth movements to accompany that line. Jill searches his three facial expressions and finds "displeasure." "That's it, I'm canceling your subscription to Cosmo," he says.

Terrible, terrible complaint-rock (tm Cher and Clueless) wails from Manhattan set -- why, for God's sake, is Barto wearing a wife-beater in the opening credits?

Moonlight-silvered streets. Jill and Allison walk arm in arm while she starts a joke and keeps screwing it up. "You're cute," Jill says. "You're not funny, but you're cute." Actually, Jill, she's neither -- she's a flagrant plot device, but I'll not spoil everyone's fun. Snarling and hissing, the wombats circle each other during the pre-mating ritual -- whoops, I switched to the Discovery Channel for a second -- Allison starts giggling while Jill strokes her face and looks pensive, in a move no doubt he stole from Tom Skerritt in Poison Ivy. Anyhoo, he says, mock-angrily, "I'm trying to build a moment here," and Allison murmurs something about "build away" and then he goes to kiss her and then pulls back, in a move that he obviously intends as tantalizing, but for me only emphasizes his unruly eyebrows and incredibly jutting jaw. Someone could deliver a sermon from that jaw. They kiss, they look googly-eyed, she asks him if he wants to come in. He says next time. She asks why. He stammers and stutters around, "I mean, once we, I mean, we've . . . I really like the look on your face. I wanna see it again." Now apparently Allison's sharp lawyerin' skills have deserted her here, because instead of saying, "What the fuck did that have to do with my direct question?" she goes slack-mouthed and cross-eyed, except I think that we viewers are meant to interpret it as seductive and smoky-eyed. Jill goes to really kiss the bejesus out of her (you can tell by that intent look in his eye, or he could've incorrectly washed his lenses out this morning) when he gets distracted by a man yelling, "Taxi!" from across the street.

Jill looks across the street. Camera pans to see his POV. Apparently Allison lives in a warehouse across from a restaurant, yet both these places are situated where they can see the Manhattan skyline spread out in all its twinkling glory. I haven't seen sets with such a sense of verisimilitude since Mac Tonight, the giant moon-headed mascot for McDonald's, sang against a backdrop of stars.

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Jack & Jill

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