Jack & Jill
To Be Perfectly Honest

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To Be Perfectly Honest

But back to Jill's vantage point, and -- oh no! 'Tis Anchormatt, hailing a cab for himself -- AND A REDHEADED VIXEN! "The hell you say," I hear the gentle audience chorus, but no, 'tis the truth. Jill says, "I can't believe it," and Allison says, "Who is that?" and they both stare while Jill looks at the departing cab and says, "Oh -- no one," and manages to look a teensy bit gleeful.

A busy Manhattan street. Cut to Jack at her desk typing away. Anchormatt pops up and hands her a B&B brochure. They engage in ostensibly cute-'n'-clever banter, including a lame "get out of town!" joke, and then Anchormatt announces that they are going away for the weekend. Jack communicates astonishment and pleasure at this news by waggling her Prime Minister Nakasoni eyebrows and making mouth motions. Anchormatt then exhibits further signs of Imminent Boyfriend-ness by inquiring if he left his toothbrush at Jack's; she says yes and offers to return it. He says nah, he'll just leave it there unless it's too presumptuous. Jack looks delighted, as if to say, "Ah-ha -- I've got him in my tractor beams now."

Elispa wanders up and says, "Hey, glowy girl," while Jack simpers. "Look. Look at his walk," Jack says in delight. "Yeah, he's pretty much mastered that one foot in front of the other thing," Elispa agrees. Jack updates her on the Toothbrush Incident. Elispa sarcastically quips that maybe it could break onto the 6'o'clock news; Jack complains whinily that she's listened to Elispa talk unceasingly about some goonball she's seen randomly. Snicker.

Cut to Barto, Mikey, and Jill playing b-ball on a court presumably in the building's back alley. How very Boys' Club of them. Any minute I expect to see Denzel Washington ask us to volunteer our time to keep boys like these off the streets. Jill says he should tell Jack that he saw Anchormatt with Redheaded Vixen. Barto implies he is paranoid. Mikey, with the cunning of a 21st-century Napoleon, says he should tell Jack, and then she'll break it off and go out with Jill instead. Jill protests that he wouldn't do it for that reason, and besides, he's really into Allison. Mikey calls her "Ally McNightmare." It takes me a minute to process that remark until I remember that the last new episode, Allison went after Mikey in Jill's court case with all the finesse of a slavering lion tearing into a wounded gazelle. Amazing how my brain was cauterized smooth of any recollection of the previous episode. Jill promises that Barto will like her. Barto smiles agreeably, then smugly tells the guys he has to cut out early: "Lunch date with Audrey." I interpret this to mean, "Bonin' down with Audrey," and howls of terror ensue.

OH SWEET JESUS, someone yank my eyes out! Overhead view of Audrey and Barto sprawled on a snow-white bed, sheets pulled over their strategic bits a la Queen Margot, telling us that the WB writers have been busy in the foreign-film section of Blockbuster lately, or having their assistants watch the films and tell them about it later. "Wow," says Audrey dreamily. Barto, his knockwurst-white chest blinding in the afternoon light, says, "Thanks,' and takes a big, self-congratulatory stretch. He rolls over and -- gak -- spoons Audrey. "Big wow to you, too," he says. I wouldn't relax, big fella -- Audrey falls into the Rebecca Gayheart/preying mantis genre, or, as my roommate puts it, "She looks like the kind of woman who'd eat the heads of men after she's had sex with them." Unfortunately nothing like that happens; instead, we're subjected to more pillow talk. "And you're a good spooner, too," Audrey says. "Isn't everybody?" Barto says. "Mmm...no," says Audrey. Medium-close shot as Audrey rolls to lie in Barto's armpit. Oy. "So...how many people are you comparing me to?" Barto asks faux-nonchalantly. "In the spooning department?" Audrey says. Barto says, "Not exactly." "Well, what exactly are you asking me?" "Nothing," Barto replies. Audrey asks if Barto is asking her "the big question." Barto says yeah. Audrey says, "Well, how many people have you slept with?" Barto interprets that to mean she's not going to answer. She says she won't if he won't. They both agree that it's "not important." They smack. Just as they start gettin' jiggy AGAIN, the alarm goes off. Barto shoots off the bed and says, "Study break's over." Audrey and her pool-raft lips rise off the bed. Barto gets dressed and Audrey gazes at him consideringly. "So what is your test on tomorrow?" "Bio-chem," Barto answers. "What is that exactly?" "Well, right now, we're learning all the pathways for glycolosis, so it's pretty complicated." Audrey looks hurt by this answer, then pensive. Barto finishes dressing and kisses her. Oddly enough, they both make "mmmmm" noises of appreciation which are more appropriate at the prospect of a New York porterhouse than, say, a kiss. Barto tells her he's going to the library and will see her later. "Yeah," says Audrey in that whispery, passive-aggressive voice that the women on this show have mistaken for acting.

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Jack & Jill

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