Jack & Jill
To Be Perfectly Honest

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To Be Perfectly Honest

Elispa, striding down the newsroom stairs. She asks if Eddie's in his office because she thinks she left her copy of the ratings on his desk. Curly-haired extra tells her she thinks he left to go jogging. Elispa strides over to the office door that reads, "Eddie Naiman News Director" and opens it unthinkingly, catches Eddie Naiman buck-nekkid from behind, and instead of closing the door and running away as far as she can, says, "Whoa," causing Eddie Naiman to turn around. Hold onto your seats, kids, I think we have some Merry Mishaps and Madcap Misconceptions comin' up! Elispa continues to make these bizarre, burbling "whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa" noises, leaving ample time for Eddie to turn around. Eddie, understandably, yells, "HEY!" yet Elispa REFUSES to leave and continues to gaze at his crotch region. He grabs an award of some kind and places it over his groin, so that it juts priapically upward in replacement of his actual member, demonstrating once again that the writers have a keenly honed sense of theater that they must've gleaned from Aristophanes. Elispa continues to babble, yelling, "Oh my God," until Eddie yells at her to close the door. She does so, and then stands there like a total dunderhead, yelling, "I'm sorry!" until, with an unconvincing shudder, she turns and walks away. Kids, if you have any faith in the conventions of network TV, you kin just betcher boots that there'll be some office hijinks 'coz o' this!

Allison arrives to get Jill for their date. Jill struggles to get his shoe on and hops over to where Barto and Mikey sit as he makes introductions. Mikey says, "Yeah, we met in court, you attacked my principles." "Yeah, yeah, sorry about that," Allison says, very awkwardly. How tired am I of women being depicted as these gung-ho super-professionals who are incapable of managing their personal lives? David E. Kelley, your pernicious influence is EVERYWHERE. Allison attempts to make small talk. "So, you met in college?" Barto and Mikey both say yes. "You too, Mikey?" she says in astonishment. Now, don't get me wrong -- I have no sympathy for any of these meat puppets, but the clear astonishment on her face makes me hate Allison immediately. Simon Rex, yes, you do look stupid, but that's still mighty rude of her. Mikey says, "Yeah, I told you that in court, remember?" "Oh yeah, right, I forgot. It's just that Barto's in medical school and you're a bartender, " she stumbles as she realizes what an elitist dipshit she must sound like and says, "Oh, I mean, what did you study in college?" Mikey says, "Philosophy," with a hint of a challenge. Okay, I'm not going to say ANYTHING mean. Not. A. Word. "In Mikey's defense, the philosopher job market is glutted right now," says Barto. Mikey gives Allison a fake hearty smile that outwardly says, "Ha-ha!" while inwardly says, "I hate you, you tactless bitch." "Well, it's nice you guys live together," Allison continues, slipping into soccer-mom mode. "Well, it's actually just me and Jill," Barto says. Allison asks where Mikey lives. Mikey unashamedly says, "At home with my parents." Allison says, "You've got to be kidding me," which, in fact, could be the slogan for THIS ENTIRE SERIES. Well, actually, she says, "You're kidding," and Mikey does his big fake laugh again and says, "No." Jill, doing his best Jack Tripper, walks out at that moment and says, "So you guys all acquainted?" Barto says, "Oh yeah," and Jill and Allison walk out the door. Mikey rubs his head in frustration and Barto lolls on his Barcalounger in a way that is meant, I believe, to communicate various degrees of bemusement and understanding.

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Jack & Jill

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