Jack & Jill
To Be Perfectly Honest

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To Be Perfectly Honest

Close up of Barto. Mikey and Jill enter. Mikey asks how long the dinner party will last. Jill says the usual. Mikey says maybe he should bring a magazine or something. Jill walks over to Barto and says, "And you, my friend, are going to have to tear yourself away from the fascinating world of -- tantric sex," he says in astonishment, or at least tries to communicate astonishment by beetling his brows. Barto says it's for school. Mikey says that he could totally do medical school. Oh, that lovable, wacky Mikey! "Tantra yoga can take the form of a sexual ritual featuring slow, non-orgasmic sex," Jill reads aloud, crinkling his brow and moving his lips very slowly. "Non-orgasmic?" he says questioningly. Barto explains that you're supposed to hold off on orgasm. Mikey asks why. Barto says he doesn't know why; Jill stole his book. Why would you want to hold it, Mikey asks. Oh, I don't know, Mikey -- maybe because on Planet Earth premature ejaculation is not considered a desirable quality. Just a guess. Barto says, Audrey. Jill says disbelievingly, "Audrey's into this stuff?" and Barto explains that Audrey's circle of experience is probably wider than his and he doesn't want to disappoint her. Jill says, "So, you're gonna -- 'celebrate her womanhood,'" glancing at the text. "Yeah. I'm gonna throw a big parade," Barto says angrily (oh, all right -- snerk). "You got a problem with that?" Mikey says yes. Mikey then sums up the Battle of the Sexes oh-so eloquently by stating that he has "no problem with girls being bendy, but not guys." Jill asks if Barto's learned anything good. Barto says that so far there's been a lot of stuff about deep breathing. At this point the gurgling noises from my throat mercifully drown out the rest of this unbelievably crappy and superficial dialogue. Barto says he's only been skimming the text. Jill, with that Wildean wit, says as he examines the text, "Just make sure you stretch before you try this one. Don't want you to cramp up."

Jack and Audrey's apartment. Audrey is watching a surgical procedure on TLC. Jack stops balancing her checkbook and walks over. "God, that's her skin!" she exclaims. "He's pulling the skin off her earflap! Bleagh!" Jack asks Audrey why she's watching this and taking notes. Audrey says it's just in case it ever comes up in daily conversation. No slouch on the uptake is Jack, and immediately ascertains Barto's the reason behind this. Audrey says he thinks she's stupid. Jack protests. Audrey says Barto never talks about med school stuff with her. Jack asks if Audrey really wants to talk to him about it. Audrey says no, but she wants HIM to want to talk to her about it, and she wants to be able to respond intelligently, just once, and then they never have to talk about it again. I hate to say it, but that pretty much summed up my feelings when I was dating a radiologist. There's only so many times you can feign interest in how barium works with X-rays. Jack says that it's weird that for the first time Audrey's with a good guy, while she's with a questionable guy. Audrey expresses disbelief that Matt is questionable because he "owns, like, thirty ties." OKAY, you know what, I know this dialogue is supposed to be whimsical and endearing, but the idiotic superficiality of that statement makes me want to spear Ferret Face's eyeballs like overripe grapes on my pen as I take notes. Jack says poignantly, doing her best Meg Ryan, "And yet I still have this horrible vision . . . that those ties are all over town." She aims for "wistful and poignant" with her facial expression, but succeeds in communicating only "I have a hard time reading without moving my lips." I throw my notebook at the TV.

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Jack & Jill

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