Jack & Jill
To Be Perfectly Honest

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To Be Perfectly Honest

Allison's industrial loft. Barto is chowing down on some hors d'oeuvres. "These are good," he says. "Do you think she made them herself?" "Definitely," choruses the gang. You know, I really think it's a sign of the downfall of Western Culture As We Know It when the leitmotifs of St. Elmo's Fire are being ripped off. Allison stumbles out. "Sorry to abandon you mid-tour -- minor disaster in the kitchen." She focuses in on Matt -- who, I'd like to point out, could use with MORE eyebrow pencil just as Jack and Jill could both stand less -- "Where have I seen you before?" Matt says, "Aw shucks, ma'am, tweren't nothin!" Kidding. He acts modest, Jack brags that he's a well-known reporter, he says not very well-known. They're interrupted by Mikey as he joins the group and tells the crowd that the bathroom soaps are shaped like little turtles. Allison says how glad she is to see him and that she got him a present. Everyone looks on in delight, anticipating another enormous social blunder. They are not disappointed. Allison hands Mikey a package, declaring that she saw it and thought of him. Mikey says thanks and rips open the package. It's a book: Awaken the Goliath Within. Very ouch, baby. Everyone winces and grins in discomfort. Allison then focuses her laser-like ability to insult on Barto and Audrey. Barto is unfalteringly Hoovering up what looks like rumaki, or perhaps a brownie. "You two are such a cute couple! How do you do it?" Audrey asks, "Do what?" Allison proceeds to explain that when she was in law school she never would've had time for a relationship because she really wanted to do well. "So do we," Audrey says, doing a pretty good Heathers imitation and dripping disdain. Allison stutters her apologies. "I -- I -- I didn't mean that dancing isn't just as demanding -- it's just that, it's more taxing on the body than the brain." Everyone winces.

"Allison bakes the best bread," Jill says, leaping into the breach. "Really," everyone choruses, obviously grateful for anything that distracts them from the thought of mass-stoning Allison. Anchormatt makes the mistake of asking what kind of bread. Instead of saying "rye" and jumping out a window, Allison demonstrates her raging case of foot-in-mouth disease by saying she remembers where she saw him, that she actually recognizes him from the other night, when he was getting into a cab with some woman. Jack's face falls. Jill looks distressed. At this point Allison's foot is lodged somewhere in her lower intestine, and I want to strangle the writers, because I can bet Allison's little truth-telling quirk is going to disappear after it's conveniently served its purpose in this episode. "I knew I recognized you from somewhere," Allison says cheerfully. "That would've driven me crazy all night." Silence reigns. Allison says, "Okay! Who's ready for some bisque?" "ME," says Elispa emphatically. Everyone choruses their agreement. Allison shoots a puzzled glance at Jill's distressed face in puzzlement.

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Jack & Jill

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