Jack & Jill
To Be Perfectly Honest

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To Be Perfectly Honest

Back at the newsroom. Elispa tells Jack to just ask Eddie if Matt's really on the gang story. Jack refuses, because she doesn't want to be officially "checking up" on him. Eddie walks by and tells Elispa they have to talk and drags her off to a private corner. I bet someone's going to overhear them and mistake their conversation to signify something other than what it really means! Eddie says they can't go on like this. Like what, Elispa asks. Eddie says it's affecting things. She promises she can handle it. Eddie says they have to try to keep it professional and walk away. And whaddya know -- a cameraman standing a few feet away heard the whole conversation! What will those darn writers think of next? I just bet the whole office will think Elispa and Eddie are having an affair!

OH GOD more smacking noises. Ferret Face and Barto are making out furiously on a couch, with more enthusiasm than actual erotic ambiance. FF asks what Barto's studying in school, and rattles off several medical terms in one breath. Barto pauses and says, "Uh-huh." "Interesting," says Audrey. "I'm fascinated by the concept of resting membrane --" but she's distracted by Barto's attempts to use the three-part breath of life common to Hatha yoga. She points out that he sounds like he is hyperventilating.

Mikey is trying to convince Jill to break up with Allison. He points out he's been accurate about bad girlfriends in the past. Jill points out that in the past he'd asked for Mikey's opinion. Mikey continues to list Allison's bad points. Jill then rhapsodizes about her "amazing honesty -- ability to smile without moving her mouth -- and she tells the worst jokes --" Wow, she does sound like a prize. I wonder if she can make funny noises with her armpits. Jill then bursts out with, "I don't have to explain why I like her!" and storms off. Mikey asks rhetorically, "How do you smile without using your mouth?"

Jack stands over her phone and stares at it. She paces, does a few shoulder shrugs, then does the dirty and calls Eddie to ask if Matt is researching a story on gangs. He tells her no. Her face falls.

Jill walks down the hall and Jack appears behind him, wearing a red coat, and endearingly enough, her pajama pants. Except for the "endearingly" part. She tells Jill he ruined her life and that he's her own personal plague. Jill asks what he did. Jack says that if it hadn't been for Jack she never would've found out Anchormatt was a lying dog. "I'm such an idiot," she says in her whispery-poignant voice, and does her best Winona Ryder "I am a big-eyed sad girl!" imitation. She gets weepy, blah blah, and Jill asks if she knows who the woman is. Jack says, "I just know she isn't who he says she was." She then slinks to the floor in the Wall-Slide of Despair. She says something meant to be touching and profound about it being "too much," but at this point I find what might be a splinter in my foot and am distracted. Jack says that Jill knew. Jill says he wasn't sure and that's why he didn't tell her, and she won't be either, until she talks to Anchormatt. Jack then wanders the city streets in her coat and pajama bottoms. I haven't seen so much dry-ice fog since my grandmother took me to see Cats.

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Jack & Jill

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