Jack & Jill
Under Pressure

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Under Pressure

I think we all know what's coming. This is like those moments of nauseous tension in Jaws where the shark swims away for awhile -- but never for good. And if the next scene doesn't make you scared to go back into a bowling alley then you're made of stronger stuff than I am. The camera pans through the inner workings of the bowling alley, the pins being sorted by a machinated assembly line. And before our eyes have a chance to adapt to this setting, Ferret and Barto heave into view. Ferret sits astride Barto with her skirt hiked up and a feral grimace on her face. Barto leans slack-jawed against the sorting machine as she bounces up and down on him in a movement meant to seem erotic, but which succeeds only in seeming aerobic. Sadly, from the orientation of their bodies, it's clear that -- unless Barto is freakishly well-endowed -- Ferret is actually humping his abdomen. It's anyone's guess what motivates the actions of a ferret in estrus. Barto loses his concentration and staggers forward, knocking over several stacked boxes of bowling pins. My cats seem mortified by this lewd display and begin grooming themselves fastidiously.

It's Mikey time again. He sits on a couch eating phallic snack foods, shouting, "Go, go, go, go, yes, yes, nice! Ha ha!" He's filmed bare-chested from the waist up, so viewers of the last scene may interpret this as a reprisal of a sequence from Young, Hard and Solo. Like all true virtuosos, he no longer needs to use his hands. Elispa creeps into the living room, still tricked out in her patchouli-saturated hippie garb. She sits down with her legs tucked under her and utters the non sequitur, "Mikey, sometimes I think there's Mars, there's Venus, and then there's the world you live in." Mikey says, "I get the feeling there's almost an apology in there." That's interesting, because that sounded more like an insult to me. Elispa launches into a dizzy monologue about how he's "such a damn heartbreaker sometimes," and she just wanted to save "one of them" because there are "so many." Mikey keeps prompting her to say she's sorry, but she keeps blathering about how she wanted to be "loyal to womankind" when she should have been thinking of missing links like Mikey -- her roommate and boon companion. She finally apologizes in a breathless falsetto, asking Mikey if he forgives her. "I forgave you two days ago," Mikey says. "That's what they do on my planet." They stare affectionately at each other, their mouths full of baby carrots, until Mikey asks Elispa why she keeps hiding his clock. Luckily, a well-timed knock at the door (again!) saves Elispa from this conversation. It's Mr. E, who laughs demonically while embracing her. He scans the new apartment approvingly until his eyes fall on shirtless Mikey, who nods amiably and asks, "How ya doing?" Mr. E nods, a smile frozen on his face, and says asks Elispa in monotone if this is her roommate. "Yeah!" Elispa says brightly, as if she just found a way to get her fine washables even cleaner.

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Jack & Jill

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