Jack & Jill
Under Pressure

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Under Pressure

Cut to Jack and Jill going at it on a bed for once. Heavy breathing, mutual t-shirt clutching, and all manner of face and neck slobbering. "I fnunh you," Jill breathes, while administering a hickey to the crook of Jack's arm. You know a fella's off-base with hetero foreplay when he interprets it to mean gnawing on a woman's forearms. Jack says, "I love you," thinking Jill said it first. Jill continues grazing on her elbow with a "Zoiks!" look on his face.

It's a quorum of the Testosterone Trio, in the Elispa-free Shaker Shack. "So what did you say?" Barto asks groggily. "I want you," says Jill. "And then she said . . ." Barto prompts, ignoring the fact that Jill's last statement was obviously directed at him. "I love you!" Jill says, owning up to the love that dare not speak its name. Mikey stands at the foot of the stairs, next to a sign that redundantly says, "Slow down thoughts." "Aw man," says Mikey, perhaps irked because Barto gets all the guys. "So do you [love her]?" asks Barto, intentionally ignoring Jill's valiant attempt to hack his way out of the closet. "I don't know, almost," says Jill, wearily resuming the pretense of heterosexuality. "Probably. I mean it seems so soon, we just got together." Mikey stands fondling his driftwood clock with a smitten expression on his face. Clearly, it is his Rosebud. "This is one of those rare areas where girls are faster then guys," he says. Have you ever noticed that Mikey's dialogue has no content? It's only put there for other characters to respond to by rolling their eyes or making "that darn Mikey" faces. If all his lines were eliminated and replaced with, say, Woodstock's dialogue from the Peanuts cartoons, nothing of substance would be lost. Let me demonstrate: "I just don't want to say it until I'm sure, you know?" says Jill. "'''''''' '''' '''''''," says Mikey. "But if I don't say it, she's just gonna be wondering why I didn't say it back," Jill muses, trudging around with various boxes. "You're right, that's a problem," says Barto, hoisting what looks to be a bag of garbage. "Do you and Audrey say it?" Jill asks. "Once, when I was about to --" Barto begins, but before he can say "fill her kibble bowl," Mikey and Jill say, "Doesn't count." "Not exactly, no," admits Barto. "Not the big three." " ''''' ''' ''''' ''' ''''' ?" Mikey asks. "Damn, everything was going so great," laments Jill. And Mikey says something else.

Jack and Ferret wend their way toward the inexorable Cloudia's Café. "I think he said it," mewls Jack in her unwashed denim jacketlet. The Ferret feigns concern, swaddled in the giant powder-blue tea-cozy she's wearing as a poncho. "What do you mean you think?" she asks. "Well, it was sort of muffled. I'm sure he said it, I mean what else could he have said?" It's just a thought, but "I love men" comes to mind. "Well, what exactly happened after you said it?" asks the Ferret Inquisitor. "Nothing. It just felt like the whole room took on this really weird vibe," Jack says. The Ferret urges her to say it again, but Jack objects that it's too big a risk. "Damn, everything was going so great," Jack whines, though she might have gotten a clue from the fact that most of their dates took place on a moldy roof with no one watching. Let's face it, Jill didn't want to ruin his cred with the Chelsea crowd by squiring even a virtual female around in public. Let's move on. The menus arrive and Ferret blurts out, "So Barto and I didn't have sex last night." Jack looks disoriented by this revelation and Ferret says, "Yeah, we're gonna take a little swim in Lake Audrey here for a minute." Pardon me, then, while I suit up in an STD-repellent neoprene unitard. That's better. "Okay, so you didn't have sex and then what?" asks Jack, making a heroic effort to wrest her attention away from herself. "We've never not had sex after a date," Ferret boasts. "Ever. In fact, we've pretty much had sex every single day since we started going out. At least once." Anyone for taking a bilge pump to Lake Audrey before this gets any more graphic? I'm bailing out. "I know: I live with you," Jack simpers with an inappropriate smile. "I don't think Barto even noticed," Ferret says. Jack suggests that perhaps they've gotten to a point in their relationship where they "don't need to have it every time." The Ferret, incredulous, asks, "Why?" "'Cause you just don't. It's nothing bad," Jack says. "How can it not be bad?" brays Ferret, causing Jack to bare her gargantuan chompers and guffaw.

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Jack & Jill

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