Jack & Jill
Under Pressure

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Under Pressure

Barto and Ferret recline melancholically, staring ceiling-ward after some coital mishap. Barto says, "The true horror is that I feel compelled to tell you this has never happened before." He goes on to explain that no matter what he tries to think of, all he can focus on is Ferret demanding "two nights' worth," which would normally not be a problem, blah blah blah Viagracakes, but the upshot is that he's been "victimized by expectation." Ferret attempts an infectious giggle that succeeds only in being bacterial. "I think it's kinda cute, actually," she says, causing Barto to adopt a menacing tone and say, "It's not cute. Ferret hurriedly agrees.

Topographical overview of Ferret's leotarded leg. What do you know, she's stretching again. Enough with the stretching and the chewing, I say. In this scene, it's Jack's turn to chew constantly, which she does while reflected in a mirror behind the limber Ferret. "I tell ya, Jack. I started a horrible vicious cycle. I got freaked out by us not having sex when we were just not having sex, and now we're really not having sex because I got freaked out. So I am just gonna wipe sex out of my mind and everything will be okay again." There's a knock at the door and Jack stops mechanically chewing long enough to get up and answer. "I'm starting to sound just like you," Ferret says, making a "brrr" sound and shivering at that grody thought. It's Jill at the door, in a hemp-woven brown sweater with no shirt underneath. How itchy! Jill, you're not in the gulag anymore! You can take off your hair shirt! "So, that conversation we had last night was kind of strange, huh?" he says. "You noticed, too," Jack says breathily, lapsing once again into vocal infantilism. "We both said we felt better, but we didn't," Jill adds. "We lied," Jack says. The teeth appear. "So I was thinking I'd take you out tonight and we'd pretend last night never happened," Jill smarms. "Deal," says Teeth McGillicuddy, grinning with insipid joie de vivre. They canoodle. Jill leaves and Jack says "I love you" to the closed door. Ferret says, "See, now that's insane! You obviously feel it and you're obviously dying to say it, so why don't you just say it?" "I will say it, after he says it," says Jack, mincing off with a self-enthralled smirk on her face.

A toaster waffle pops up and Elispa gets it, wearing pink and purple polka-dot pajamas. With her "Last Days of Pompeii" hairstyle and the aforementioned pajamas, she looks like what I imagine when I hear the words "Pierrot Lunaire." Mikey walks up in a snug heather-brown sweater and says, "Pajamas. I never pictured you in them. Or out of them. I never pictured you in the morning." Now is that any more informative than a series of diacritical marks bracketed by smart quotes? I think not. Elispa says, "Last night was fun. Gabby's great." Mikey pours a half-bottle of syrup into a coffee mug, prattling on about the possibility of creating a "roommate forum," so if either of them needs to discuss "roommate-related" issues, they can say, "Forum!" "Sounds like a good idea," says Elispa, prompting Mikey to say, "Forum!" His next statement can be paraphrased by quoting the bumper-sticker that reads, "If the van's a-rockin', don't come a-knockin'." "Oh," says Elispa. "You're saying you wanted her checking out your pants instead of mine." "I like the way you put things," says the smirking man-child, toasting Elispa with his mug of syrup. "This forum thing's working!" he adds. Elispa makes like the Fonz and says, "AAAAY" just as Mikey's toaster-waffle pops up and the whole scene devolves into a "Leggo my Eggo" commercial. Filmed in hell.

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Jack & Jill

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