Jack & Jill
Under Pressure

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Under Pressure

The bachelors jog across an intersection somewhere in the heart of ManNOTtan. Mikey congratulates Jill on not caving to Jack's expectation that he conform to "I love you" reciprocity. "The thing is, I just want to make sure I mean it," Jill says. "I mean, I've said it before. But all those, you know, they ended." What with the variously fuzzy (Barto) to bristly (Jill 'n' Mikey) naps of their hair, the bachelors look like a gaggle of plush toys in this scene. Mikey makes some noises that sound like human speech, Barto responds with marginally more cogent noises, and Jill says, "Next person I say it to, I just want to make sure it's the last person. You know, the very last person." It is at this pivotal moment, with Jill squinting into the sun, that I realize he also has a cleft in his forehead, making his face resemble a parenthetical phrase turned sideways. "You are one sensitive guy," says Mikey, and Jill says, "I am. I'm a sensitive guy," before swaggering up to the ticket counter and ordering "three for Blood, Guts and Revenge."

Jack's at Elispa's again, pretending to help unpack so she can mewl about her problems to a captive audience. "It's like I'm just hanging out there, waiting for something to come back to me, like a broken boomerang," she says, scraping the sides of the metaphor bin. Elispa flounces purposefully about in a leotard and misshapen skirt crafted from old corduroys. She has belted this freaky ensemble with what looks to be a macramé plant hanger. "You know," she says, "Just because he isn't saying it doesn't mean he isn't feeling it. I mean, he rode up to you on a horse and carriage, in a blizzard for God's sake. If that doesn't say I love you then I don't know what does." But couldn't that just as easily say, "I'm Amish" or "I'm too cheap for a limo"? "It's not the same," Jack complains, and Elispa wheels around and says, "Not even close." Ouch, a little acid rain from Holly Hobbie. They cast about for other things to talk about, Elispa dutifully mouthing a product plug for Blink 182. "Why won't he say it?" shrieks Jack, baring her teeth, gums, uvula, and tonsils to the saucer-eyed Elispa. "Yeah," she croaks, "I'm gonna go now." On the way out, she finds an earring, which Elispa suggests is the property of "one of Mikey's many." And what do you know, there's another knock on the door, because buzzers are superfluous in ManNOTtan. It's the gerbil-toothed Elizabeth Berkley again, looking capable of gnawing her way through Tokyo. Elispa announces her as "one of Mikey's -- Gabby knows Mikey." Jack leaves with an elaborate eyebrow shrug and Elispa and Gabby have a dithering duel over the earring, which Gabby apparently lost "in the couch." "So how is it living with Mikey?" Gabby asks, prompting Elispa to take a page from Tony the Tiger's book and say, "Grrrrreat!" "Cause I mean he is just so -- wow!" Gabby elaborates. "Like, I could get addicted to him, ya know?" Elispa says "Mmmm hmmm" like she's just been at Betty Ford for a mean Mikey addiction of her own, then stands there opening and closing her mouth like a smoke-ring artist without a light. Gabby prepares to leave and Elispa says, "I think you're great and I think women should stick together when people who are not women could wind up hurting them." Gabby acts befuddled and Elispa says, "Mikey's a player. I'm just giving you a heads-up because if it were me, I think I'd want to know." Elizabeth Berkley affects a look like she's been asked to recite the Periodic Table of Elements, then flounces off to a guest turn on Silk Stalkings.

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Jack & Jill

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