Times Square. Barto and Ferret shopping for sexual aids. I really can't go into it. They trot out a joke about edible underwear, which ranks up there with the Pu Pu Platter as the gold standard of American comedy. Later they retire to the Habitrail Hideout for some invigorating porn. This scene was obviously created just to furnish an "in" for the two following ersatz porn titles: "American Booty" and "Sperms of Endearment," which Barto describes as "a three hanky flick." Can there ever be enough double entendres about seminal fluid? Apparently not. Next Barto attempts a sensual massage, but ends up setting the mattress ablaze with aromatherapy candles. The scene ends with Ferret crouched in a corner while Barto hyperventilates. "I don't know about you," she says, "but I'm turned on."
Elispa puzzles over a glutinous melange of Chinese takeout and pasta with marinara sauce. "Now that looks completely wrong," she says. Mikey says, "No problem, babe," into the phone and hangs up, asking if there's enough food for him. Catty Elispa asks, "What, no spokesmodel tonight?" Mikey pronounces her the first person he's lived with who's not elated at his parade of buxom bimbos. Um, wasn't he just living with his parents? He adds that Gabby was on the schedule for tonight but she just called to cancel. Conscience-stricken bumbler that she is, Elispa admits that she may have caused Gabby to flee by saying "some things [she] shouldn't have said." "I didn't mean to, and I wasn't planning on it, but I guess I just like her and I didn't want to see her get hurt," she babbles. Mikey takes righteous offense at this, since the only thing Gabby stands to get hurt by is her own teeth, which if they keep growing at this rate are likely to impale her brain inside of a decade. "You have so many, what's one less?" Elispa protests. Mikey accuses her of judging him, and she says she's only judging him "a little." Mikey shrills, "That sucks!" before adjourning to the corner, dragging his plate of marinara-smothered baby corns along with him.
Mikey relays the particulars of the spat to Jill, insisting, "It's like she's up on some throne looking down at me, thinking, 'You're bad.'" Jill insists Elispa isn't thinking that, but Mikey is convinced she's not only thinking it, "she's saying it to all [his] ladies." Jill says Elispa just "went overboard" and "she does this sometimes," prompting Mikey to ask if she was "this bad" when Jill lived with her. Jill explains that he only lived with Elisa "for, like, a day," and at the time he wasn't bringing home other women. Mikey asks "why not?" and Jill says there was no room, what with the other men. Or something to that effect. Mikey grouses that Elispa is taking all the fun out of having his own place, and Jill correctly guesses that the only reason Mikey wanted an apartment was to scam on women. Mikey commends Jill for not conforming to the fascist "I love you" imperative set in motion by Jack. He sagely advises Jill to jab himself with a toothpick each time he feels himself sliding down the slippery slope to "Big Three reciprocity." "It's Pavlovian!" Mikey says, with facial gestures appropriate to the promotion of a nutritious yet tasty breakfast cereal.