Jake 2.0
Arms And The Girl

Episode Report Card
Alex Richmond: B | Grade It Now!
Arms Dealer's Daughter

Credits. Jake's life just got reeeeal interesting.

Another POV satellite shot, through the atmosphere, and down to Canada. Hey, great, we can spell "Canada" correctly! USA! USA! Next up: The proper spelling of "Mexico." A female voice says over a radio that "Operation Canada Goose is complete." Next up: Operation Canadian Bacon. Delicious! Sizzling! Great at brunch! Kyle, a.k.a. The Man, stands by a stopped tractor trailer. Helicopters chop nearby, emergency lights flash, many men are hauled off in handcuffs. He sees Jake and asks how he knew that truck had all the guns in it. Oh, Jake interfaced with something. It's all wireless, you know. His Croatian is "pretty minimal," but he thought he heard the driver say something about his "mother's cheese gun." The Man goes, "Uh huh. So in the report you'll just say, 'his mother's gun.' Good work. Let's go." Yeah. Omit the cheese. Except in the case of a joke, or while cooking. So, we've learned that Jake is still goofy, but more confident in the field; effective, too. That's great.

Jake arrives home at his new apartment, just in time to collect his piled-up newspapers from his new nosey neighbor, Karen. She's all up in his business, like bugs on a windshield on a hot night driving through Florida. Splat. So, how was his vacation? Jake lamely says, "You know how those cruise ships are!" She says she thought he went to Yellowstone. He did! Via...Panama! Karen keeps asking questions like it's any of her damn business. Is she being deliberately obtuse? He's lying, yo. He's clearly not used to it, and yes, his lies are weak, but a more sensitive person would notice it and back the fuck up. Karen? You best be getting out of my Jake's face. She sees a butterfly bandage on his head and leans in even closer. "Were you in a fight?" Jake says something about how his carry-on shifted in flight, just like the airlines say it might. Karen's reply? "That's kind of big for a carry-on." Wow, Karen could be a recapper for TWoP; she's overly attentive and picks on every little detail. Good show! Jake finally escapes her, and ducks inside. See ya, Karen!

NSA offices. Jake calls Sarah and gets her machine. Tag, she's it. He's sorry he's missed her, he was on a cruise to Yellow...Panama. Yes, Yellow Panama, it's on the coast, kinda touristy. He didn't like it. Miss ya! BFF! Call me! Click. Post-hanging up, Jake says out loud, "That was lame!" The Man slips up behind him and says, "Cumbersome, maybe." But that's the life of an NSA agent. Always having to lie to one's loved ones. "Hazard of the job! Hope you like the single life, that's what most of us end up with." Or you could date internally. Like, Jake could date Dr. Thora, and The Man could date Leader of the Pack. Or, if I were a Ho!Yay type of person, I could suggest a match between Jake and The Man. Anyway.

War Room. Leader of the Pack is running though what went down in the "Phillipines." 100 kilos of compressed microsyntex was detonated. An amount the size of a nine-volt battery has a fragmentation pattern of a hundred yards. And yet, says the annoying recapper, the suits and the man in the black leather jacket were not a hundred yards away from that bus when it went kablooie. Leader of the Pack continues; microsyntex is on America's list of banned weapons. We have a list like that? Does it include commercial aircraft? Leader of the Pack knows all the players that we saw in the teaser. Carano, the man in the black leather jacket, and the pale-suited duo. Leader of the Pack sees this a chance to get all of them, the terrorists and the dealer. Jake says cheerfully, with the cutest smile, "Where do you want me on this? I do speak pretty fair español." I would love it if Jake's legendary proficiency with Spanish became a running gag, a la Mrs. Columbo on Columbo, or Indiana Jones's catchphrase, "I hate snakes!" Leader of the Pack and The Man both open their mouths and exchange looks like, oh, listen to the white boy go on about how he speaks the español. The Man says they want him on the corner of 4th and Mass. Jake is all, "Oh." Carano's daughter Theresa has a studio there, they'd like Jake to keep an eye on her. A giant picture of her flashes up on the War Room's screen -- wow, she's super-pretty! Jake is all, "Following a girl around for hours? It'll be just like college." Ew. He was kidding, but still. Ew. Stalkery. The Man says warningly, "Jake, there can't be any contact." Jake says, "Just like college!" Oh, god. Pathetic.

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Jake 2.0




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