Jake 2.0
Jake 2.0

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Alex Richmond: A+ | 819 USERS: B-
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When Bionics Met Nanites

NSA. Jake calls in to the War Room and asks for a shoot-to-kill order, on $6 Million. Leader is all, why didn't you tell me he was a-boozin' and a muscle-car-buyin' and hanging with big-booby waitresses! You're both off the case, and I can't wait to read your report. Jake is all, "What about Dick?" Heh. Then the yellow 'n' black muscle car zooms up. It's $6 Million, and he was looking all over for Jake! Get in the car! Jake pouts, "No. We're off the mission! Finito!" $6 Million says it sounds like Jake was talking "to the suits back home," then pulls a gun on Jake. "Get in. I'm not too proud to beg."

In the car, Jake tries to radio in to the War Room. $6 Million busts him. Jake hands it over with a hangdog look. $6 Million says, "Back in my day, those things were the size of a thermos." Then he drops the phone out the window. Screech!

$6 Million pulls over and says, "I wanna know what you are." Oh my god. They're going to make out! Seriously, I am not a Ho!Yay kind of person, but this is telegraphing make-out session from a mile off. Maybe my radar is off and they're just going to work out. Either way, Jake keeps his eyes forward and both feet on the floor and says he has no idea what $6 Million means. Oh, yes he does. It's the nanites, stupid. $6 Million is all, "What did those bastards at the NSA do to you, kid? You and I may have more in common than you think." Jake gives him a sidelong glance, and the plaintive keyboards come into use. $6 Million says that "way back when [Jake] was just a tickle in [his] daddy's pouch, the NSA had training programs. Enhancement programs. Steroids..." Jake can't really get into it...there was an accident. $6 Million says, "There's always an accident." Then Jake overhears (Mee! Mee! Mee! Mee! Mee!) a muffled thumping in the trunk. Um, what's that? $6 Million takes him around to the trunk, then delivers a gun butt to the base of Jake's skull and leaves him on the wet asphalt, unconscious. Then he zooms off, opens his own non-thermos-sized phone, and talks into it in Russian. Ooh! Is he working for them?

Jake 2.0

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