Shut up, teaser. Shut up "ultimately," or I will "upgrade" my Adidas to your buttocks.
Previously on J2 -- Jake says he thought "this war was with our enemies out there, not our superiors in here." We see Prince Malik and Anna from last week's ep under extreme duress. We hear Silver Fox threaten to "terminate the program." We see Jake shoot The Man, then hear The Man VO that he knows someone who can create new identities for people that need to disappear. Dr. Thora wrings her hands and worriedly asks for Jake, and The Man says she won't find him this morning. Then Jake walks through the door, all well-lit and in a white shirt, and Dr. Thora gasps, "Jake, you're back!" Actually, he never went away.
Jake stands on a bridge, staring out into middle distance. He's trying to sort out all the squawks in his ear piece. Who has the Subjectovitch in their sights? Jake does. Who? Who said that? Who's talking? Jake identifies himself to the squawks, and we see the Subjectovitch -- a pretty female with dark blonde hair and the classic urban uniform (all-black outfit) -- moving swiftly towards her parked car. Jake, a story above her from his spot on the bridge, moves fast to keep her in sight. A male squawker tells Jake to stay put, that they'll be there in a moment. Leader of the Pack pipes in and says to detain the Subjectovitch by any means required. Jake says, "Shoot to kill?" Leader affirms. Then the male squawker says no, they need her alive. Don't let her get away, Jake! Don't do anything until we get there! Keep her in your sights! Jake yells, "Just shut up!" (shout-out?) and swings into action. He fast-motions down to the road where the Subjectovitch is entering her car. Once there, he makes another silly-looking vertical leap to avoid her car, now barreling down the road. Once back on terra firma, he has to dive to the asphalt to avoid a second car speeding toward him. Whoops, Jake lost the Subjectovitch. And probably bruised his dignity. And his behind, too.
NSA campus. Leader and The Man chew Jake out for his uselessness. Leader says, "Is it so hard to do what we tell you?" Jake says, when fifteen people are telling me different things, yeah! Then he snaps, "The leg's fine, thanks for asking." The Man tells him to make himself useful, and Jake drags himself over to a computer terminal and starts tapping on the keys. Leader addresses the War Room: Subjectovitch, a former KGB agent, is on the loose, though she was within NSA sights just a moment ago (pointed stare at Jake). She had her hand in what may have been America's Chernobyl circa 1986, and "went rogue when the Berlin Wall came down. As far as she's concerned, the Cold War never ended." So, let's get her. Jake asks Leader about bringing in the agent who headed up the prevent-the-American-Chernobyl case, Richard Fox. "He has a lot of commendations." The Man likes Richard Fox, too, since he caught the Subjectovitch single-handedly. And look, he lives in D.C.! How convenient. Hire locally, save the planet from nuclear meltdown. Leader says, "Bring him in," and stalks off. The Man leans in and says to Jake, "You're about to meet a legend." Ooh, is it Willie Nelson? I love him. Oh, right. Richard Fox.
Jake and The Man pull up outside of a riverside apartment. Or maybe it's lakeside. Either way, it's gorgeous and on the water. As they make their way up the stairs, a woman, all pre-office, post-coitus, briefcase, pointy shoes and sensible hair, comes out and hollers, "Call me! If you don't, I'll hunt you down like a dog! Bye, baby. Ooh, you've got company!" She's off. And who emerges? A man. A manly man. He's in a navy bathrobe and holding a gun. The guitar starts a very A-Team-esque mischievous riff. His face comes into frame (not the unlit cigar? SO bad-ass), and oh my fucking god. It's Lee Majors. Lee motherfucking Majors. How meta is that? If anyone reading this doesn't know why it's meta that Lee Majors is playing a government agent from the '80s on J2, let me explain. Four words. Six Million Dollar Man. Popular TV show in the 1970s. That was him. The bionics thing. The whole "we can rebuild him," thing. And yes, there was a bionic dog. Also, yes, he married Farrah Fawcett, but Lindsay Wagner was the Bionic Woman. Excellent stunt casting, really perfect. So yeah, Richard Fox, who shall be known from here on out as $6 Million has his gun casually drawn, checking out his "company," cigar askew, bathrobe loosely knotted. He inspects The Man and Jake. The Man holds up a hand and pulls out his NSA identification, and introduces himself. And could he put away the gun? The guitar riffs on, and $6 Million shoves the gun in his bathrobe pocket. It'll be safe there. The Man raises an eyebrow (drink!) and says they want to talk about Subjectovitch, the rogue ex-KGB chica. He is $6 Million, right? The camera pulls in tight on his face and he says, "Call me Dick." Dick Fox. I love it.