Jake 2.0
Jerry 2.0

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Big Brother Is Squashing Your Game

Hey, this week there's a new teaser intro re-telling all the faithful fans what we already knew: Jake Foley used to be an ordinary guy, until a nanite-related accident in a secret lab inside the NSA turned him into the "world's first computer-enhanced man." That's a little glib. One could argue that a guy with an artificial heart that's being monitored remotely via the internet is "computer-enhanced" as well. But the guy with the heart transplant probably can't change WALK/DON'T WALK signs to suit his fancy, either. Sooo, "the computers interface with his biochemistry" and turn Jake into "America's secret weapon," and ultimately "the ultimate human upgrade." I'm buying what you're selling, Monsieur Greenwalt. Now can you please get America's secret weapon laid?

We land inside a D.C. Metro tunnel, scary, sepia-toned at first, with crazy-looking lighting. After a few fast cuts of speeded-up rush hour scenes, we see Jake, wearing his walkman and looking ready to catch some wrong-doers. The Man brushes by him, also on the job. Nothing escapes Jake's scrutiny. Not the panhandler with the sign, not the Robert Johnson-esque busker. He misses the girl in the powder-blue Neighborhoodie that says "VICTORIOUS," but I didn't. Awesome hoodie, yo. One guy who "fits the profile" opens his briefcase to reveal...a holistic health care magazine. Not the guy. Then Jake sees another man getting a bag out of a pay locker, and his nanite-sense gets all tingly. I thought pay lockers were extinct, like Woolworth's and the Backstreet Boys. Jake watches as the suspicious man drops a bundle into a trash can, then heads for the escalators. He radios to The Man that the bundle has been dropped, and he's in pursuit. The bundle is two silver gas canisters -- very ominous, very Tokyo commuter tragedy. Suspect takes off running, and there's a fun nanite-enchanced chase up the crowded Metro escalators in which Jake gets a burst of super-speed and tackles Suspect at the very tippy-top. When he flips Suspect over to look him in the face, Jake is shocked --- shocked! -- to see that the bomber is just a kid! A kid, I tells ya! What could have happened to make this kid want to bomb a subway at rush hour? What went wrong? With America?

A few establishing shots of D.C. flash by, and we land in the NSA. Leader of the Pack walks briskly down the hall and asks The Man and Jake for a status report. She gets one: The canisters were full of ricin gas, which "would have liquefied the place in seconds. Hundreds could have died, just like Tokyo all over again." I just said that! Jake is perplexed that the bomber is "just a kid" who "doesn't fit the profile." Why would a kid do that? "Because," says a silver-haired foxy older guy with a commanding presence, "it's all he knows." Hey, who's that guy? The Man looks like he's met the hotter Wilford Brimley before. Jake listens with his mouth slightly parted. What a wonderful way to listen. Silver Fox says that all the intel of the day points to Ethan Fulton's militia. Fulton is a dangerous white guy, the worst kind. And I really hate white guys! Just kidding. But they get away with murder. And Enron. And stealing elections. I'm really just paraphrasing Michael Moore's book, Stupid White Men, which everyone should read. Anyway, Fulton's wife, a former FBI agent, was killed in a Waco-esque hail of bullets, and Fulton wants revenge on the government for her death. Jake is all, "Who's that guy?" Silver Fox is Leader of the Pack's boss. Jake is all, "Lou has a boss?" She does. The Man barely perceptibly rolls his eyes at Jake. Silver Fox continues that the NSA hasn't been able to ID many of Fulton's group (another thing that sucks about white men -- you can't racially profile them!), and they've been responsible for six domestic terrorism attacks, "including the near-miss on the Supreme Court in April." The Metro arrest is a big break. All props go to Jake Foley for the bust. Jake glows and gloats to The Man. The Man hisses that he heard. Silver Fox asks to be kept posted on the interrogation of Kid Suspect, and is on his way, ignoring Jake's little show of toadying ("Nice to meet you...sir?"). Leader of the Pack tells everyone in the War Room to watch their backs. Yes, ma'am.

Jake arrives home at his apartment door to find it ajar. Oh, shit. The music gets very tense and pulse-y. Mee mee mee mee meee! Jake hears dishes clinking in the kitchen, leaps in and tackles the shadowy figure there. "Dude! Chill!" It's only Jake's little brother. "Jerry? I could have killed you!" Jerry says, "Yeah, right!" Yeah, actually. Little brah. Jerry dropped in unannounced to visit the nation's capital, because he heard that "downtown's stripalicious." Oh yeah, it's titty-tastic. Pastie-rageous. Boobs. He waves a sandwich at Jake and exits, leaving Jake to stand there open-mouthed like a fish. An adorable fish, to be sure.

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Jake 2.0




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