Somewhere in a spooky, spooky, blue-toned garage, a man leaves his busted-out engine with an affable mechanic named Jimmy. When the customer leaves, the mechanic takes a huge rifle off a shelf and asks another grease monkey how he let his son walk into an NSA trap. Grease Monkey doesn't know, and gets shot in the head at close range for his ignorance. Yikes!
In another fun Plexiglas hamster habitat/NSA holding pen (hey, where's Jake's nemesis, the Death Owl, a.k.a. Hacker?), Jake tries to break the ice with Kid Suspect. Jake compliments him on his speed and says he "thought he was chasing Emmitt Smith" in the Metro tunnel. He rattles off Kid Suspect's high school football stats and still gets no reaction, except that KS suggests he try the rookie setting on PlayStation, since "it's easier." Jake shows KS graphic photos of kids who were killed by ricin gas. KS seems a little disturbed. Jake says, "It's not too late, you can change your life. I can help." KS wants to know how. Jake says, "Tell us where your father is." KS would "rather die" than betray his father. Well, then.
Jake comes home to the sounds of very loud rock and roll. Hooray! But he isn't thrilled to see the walls shaking, and Jerry rocking out whilst gabbing on the phone and inviting some chica over for "pasta a la Jerry." Jake turns down the stereo and asks a little bitterly, "You met a girl already?" Not really. She's one of Jake's -- Sarah. She's coming over. Whaaat? And this leads us to this week's installment of Tales From Alex's Harem. For those of you just joining us in the story, I'm dating around a lot. This Halloween, I went dressed as a late '70s-early '80s-era Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader, along with two other girlfriends, Camille and Honey. It was pretty out of hand, I was having a blast. Our cheers included "Get the ball, y'all, get the ball!" and the ever popular "Be! Aggressive! B-E aggressive!" One guy dressed as Fire answered my phone when I was away from the couch. When I returned, Fire said, "Some guy called, I told him you were here." Um, thanks, and who might that have been? Fire couldn't say. This is where having a harem gets a little tricky. So, one dude showed up in a massive sombrero and spangle-y jacket, and another dude showed up in tails and white tie. Fortunately, they met and shook hands and retreated to separate corners of the party -- nothing got all eye of the tiger or anything. I was stressed, but everyone involved was cool and gentlemanly, and for that I'm grateful. Having two dashing-looking dudes there for me was incredibly flattering, but having to choose between them? Not easy. The big question for me this week is, do I add a third guy to the mix? Or do I choose just one? Only time will tell. Tune in next week for more Tales From Alex's Harem.
Anyway, Jake loses his shit a little bit when he learns Jerry was pimping for him. Jerry sees Jake's scaredy cat reaction to the news that a g-g-g-girl is coming over to his place for dinner, and asks, "Bowser? Fat?" Sarah is BEYOOTIFUL, you little punk! And intelligent! Jake actually wags his finger at Jerry, who just asks, "So?" Jake is all, "So? It's complicated!" Jake has no game, and that's "complicated." No, complicated is juggling two guys at a party while making sure each one has fun, without pissing the other one off. With a smile on your face. Wearing a Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader outfit. In white vinyl high-heeled boots. Try that trick, Jake. Jerry, his work done, asks Jake to be quiet so he can "catch a nap before Smackdown!." Ha ha. You are watching UPN.