Jake 2.0

Episode Report Card
Alex Richmond: A | Grade It Now!
Are you stuck in the middle (way-oh, way-oh!)?

Back in the War Room, The Man suggests they trace the routing number of the hefty deposit. Leader is all, why is he cashing checks on American soil? Jake types in the number and gets to work.

Jake staggers into Dr. Thora's lab. After tracing the routing number to "one hundred and thirty-three dead ends," he complains that his "eyes are bleeding. I mean, really bleeding." Like Shack's ears bled after listening to Clay Aiken's Measure of a Man? Or like Strega's eyes bleed after seeing Spike talk for two hours? Jake, may I suggest a good old line reading of "Shut up, routing number"? Diane stuffs items in her bag and pays Jake no attention. Except when he asks if his eyes are actually bleeding, and she looks at him to say, "No." Her parting words as she runs out the door are, "See a movie?" He follows her down the hall, asking what a movie is. "One of those big bright things on walls for two hours?" She runs onto the elevator and says, "Just do something with a human." Heh. He stares at her intensely and says, "Want to come over and play Boggle?" No, but I'll play Scrabble anytime. Sometimes Sars and I play Literati on Yahoo! Games, but it's been a while. Boggle is annoying because you can make "porn," but not "porno." At least that's what the people I played against said. Losers, I tells ya. Dr. Thora says she'd love to play Boggle, usually, but tonight…? The elevator door opens and oh look, it's Seminar Playa. He and Jake awkwardly shake hands, nearly crushing Dr. Thora and her delicate frame. SP asks if Dr. Thora wants to get some pizza for dinner ("White pizza? Freakishly white, but still tangy?"), and maybe Jake would like to come along too. He'll buy the first pitcher! Jake declines, looking like he'd rather have bleeding eyeballs.

Jake slavishly, antisocially works away in the War Room. He looks at Creepiovitch's images on the bank's security cameras until he falls asleep in front of the computer. Then, after he drools and snoozes for a few hours, the computer beeps with a location. Jake and The Man are off like thongs on prom night.

Jake and The Man sit in a car together. Mmmm...stakeout. The Man asks if Jake even has to sleep anymore, because of the nanites. Jake says no; he just has to plug himself into an outlet for a few hours and he's good to go. The Man smirks a bit, then asks if he hears that Six Million Dollar Man sound when he jogs. "You know, doo!doo!doo!doo!doo!" Jake is all, "You're dating yourself again!" Oh, please. Knowledge of the Six Million Dollar Man's sound effects should be common knowledge for all J2 fans and viewers. And is this a shout-out? Keckler thought so, but she's my homie. Then The Man spots Creepiovitch. Then, just as quickly, he's gone. Jake and The Men set out on foot to give chase.

Jake marches slowly down an alley, hears breathing in a dumpster, and goes to investigate. Creepiovitch leaps out and slices Jake across the abdomen with a long, sharp knife. The Man runs up and radios for help. Creepiovitch gets away. Oh, Jake!

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Jake 2.0




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