Oh, teaser. Do you really think we've been ignoring you? Must you be so repetitive? I don't care if the VO is done by a man or a woman, and switching up the gender isn't endearing, either. Ooh, look! Here's a note I wrote earlier. It reads like this: Dear teaser. Shut up, already. Sincerely, Alex Richmond. P.S. I know you know you're only filler.
Ooh, a previously. We go back to Episode Ten, the "not a trial" episode. Jake introduces himself as "the agent with million of tiny robots inside." Aww, he speaks in the third person. Alex Richmond finds that so cute! Silver Fox looks meaningfully at Jake's new nemesis, whom I nicknamed The Woman, but since she's so ruthless, I'm changing her name to Witchay Woman. I may introduce a Meaningful Look count too, since meaningful looks are quite important in the J2 oeuvre. In fact, if someone were to develop a J2 drinking game, I would suggest that meaningful looks get one sip. More and you'll get super-tanked. Jake hollers that the tribunal is about the NSA "finding a scapegoat," and Silver Fox booms, "You're outta line!" Hey, from where I'm sitting, it seems like the whole SYSTEM is outta line. I mean, Jack Nicholson is still considered a sex symbol? Robert Evans has an animated show? What is everyone smoking? Wax lips? Then Witchay Woman says, "A man like that bent to your will could accomplish anything." Then we see Jake in his WolfPak garb, then punching a punching bag to tiny bits. Silver Fox says he doesn't think Jake is bent to anyone's will just yet, and The Man barks at Jake, "You follow orders!" Witchay Woman says, "That's the problem. One I intend to rectify." Oooh! Witchay Woman is going to bend Jake to her wiiiiill!
Hey there, satellite! Let's fall through the atmosphere together. Whee! Oh, look, there's the NSA campus coming up at us fast, like Christmas. We arrive at Dr. Thora's laboratory, where she's double-checking everyone's lunch orders. For some reason, this task seems incredibly weighted, like a conversation in a Bergman film. Everyone is staring off into middle distance and has faces on like Mount Rushmore. No one even seems hungry. Leader of the Pack intones as solemnly as a nun that she ordered vegetable soup, green salad, brown rice. Jake cracks, "Now we know how she keeps her girlish figure," and Dr. Thora howls like it's the funniest thing she ever heard. Okay, something is clearly up. And, Leader is a vegetarian? Awesome. Is that rare for a former enlisted woman? Maybe just medium-rare. Dr. Thora rattles her pages and finds her order: pepperoni pizza with anchovies and artichokes. "It's the two As that make a meal worth having. Dig in, guys! Mmm!" Except there's no food, and Dr. Thora is just crinkling paper. The hell? Jake wheels around and focuses on a spot on the wall. Then, we zoom inside and see a tiny microchip blow up. This is where Funhouse asks, "So he has the power to blow stuff up?" Not exactly, dear. He "interfaced" with it. And made it blow up. But it has to be "technology" for him to do that. You'd think that Witchay Woman would know better than to plant bugs around Jake. May I suggest a mole? After all, my fabulous peer Gustave has already made the point that moles are to 24 what vampires are to Buffy. Let's get some moles on J2. And what happened to Hacker? Is he languishing in a Plexiglas cage somewhere? Oh, forget it.
So, the lunch date was a ruse, and now that Jake has defused the bug (and The Man gets a crack in at Dr. Thora -- "The two As that make a meal worth having?"), he says irritably, "I thought the war was with our enemies out there, not with our superiors in here." Hey, Jake, lose the black-and-white vision. Things get cloudy sometimes. Don't forget about the unknown unknowns, man! Leader says, "Get used to it. There are factions up there that don't want to see us succeed. And they aren't used to things they can't control. And they can't control you." Duh. They can't even keep tabs on him. They can't even properly intimidate him. All reasons why Jake is the sheezy. So, The Man, Leader, and Dr. Thora had a talk. Jake cracks, "You're voting me off the island?" No, you've been Philiminated. Or America didn't vote for you. Or you aren't Paris Hilton, and no one wants to see your ass crack. The Man says, "We can all have lives after the program. We can move on. You, on the other hand, are the program. If it shuts down, Jake..." There's a pause, and a meaningful look from The Man (sip!). Jake laughs and says, "What, they'll put me in a cage five miles beneath the earth?" Probably. Or, you know. The other kind of being beneath the earth. The cageless, lifeless kind. The Man says he knows a guy that can make people disappear. And said guy owes The Man a favor. Dr. Thora says that, if Jake wants it, "there is a way out of this war." Jake creases up his forehead big-time. Wow, with moves like that, it's almost like I'm watching The O.C.!