Jake 2.0
The Spy Who Really Liked Me

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Alex Richmond: A | Grade It Now!
The Spy Who Did Jake

Hello, teaser. What's that you say, in your mellifluous, masculine, he-manly voice? That Jake Foley is America's newest secret weapon? Reeeally. And, come again? He can see and hear farther and better than normal men? Well, my stars. And what's that fun little tagline you all came up with? How does it go? Come on, it's so cute when you say it. Ah, there it is: "He is: The ultimate human upgrade." Giggle! I love to hear you say that. Please, don't ever stop being so adorable. It's just so cute!

After a few substantiating shots of D.C., including some super-fast subliminal slides of the Metro and the Lincoln Memorial, we land at the NSA. Jake storms down the hall and bursts into Leader of the Pack's office with a terse, "How could you!" Leader gets off the phone in a hurry and says, "It's a little something called chain of command." Jake barks, "It's a little something called betrayal!" Jake hollers that he had promised "her" that "she would be safe." Leader shouts, "That wasn't your promise to give!" Meow! Reeeearrr! Sorry, I was thinking cat fight. This must be a little more serious than that, since some armed SWAT dudes barge in and haul the Bickersons "upstairs," which must be a euphemism for I-N T-R-O-U-B-L-E.

The Man is on the phone, figuring out some details, when two menacing SWAT dudes march in crisply and fix him in their gaze. Whoops.

Dr. Thora walks smartly over to her chrome candy jar and takes out what looks like a Reese's Cup. Mmmm. Then the armed goons walk in and she stammers, "Can I help you?" How do SWAT dudes eat a Reese's? They swarm over it and then it's like it never existed in the first place.

The goons with guns lead Jake and his pack into a dimly lit auditorium. Jake asks what's going on. "It's an emergency board of inquiry. It's like a trial." The Man chimes in with, "Only worse." Dr. Thora, like Towelie, has no idea what's going on.

Silver Fox is sitting in center position at the witch trial, and intones that it's being held to determine how effectual this special ops team really is. Leader tries to break in by saying that she and her team should have been notified, and some smitty leans into his mic and says they are under no obligation to notify anyone of anything. Well, excuuuuuse me! I though it was called proooootoooocoooool! Silver Fox says that during the events of the last few days, there is a need to figure out Jake's behavior. Ooh, flashback! I hope the screen goes all wavy like when Wayne and Garth do flashbacks. Silver Fox leans and says, "Don't worry. This isn't a witch hunt." Have you noticed that often when people tell you something isn't something, it usually is? Like when some dick at a bar comes up to you and tells you he's "not like other guys." Or when you're dating casually, and a guy tells you he really doesn't want anything serious, and you agree and remind him you're seeing other people, and then he gets all jealous and starts talking about eye of the tiger or some such shit? And all you can think of is, dude, you JUST SAID you didn't want anything serious, and I AGREED with you. So yeah, I'm guessing that this inquiry is in fact very much like a witch hunt. It's 8:47, and a lady calls the meeting to order.

So yeah, five years ago, the NSA started studying the nanotechnology stuff in detail. Then a few months ago, a lab accident resulted in infecting one Jake Foley with nanites, making him super-powered, blah blah blah improved hearing-cakes, blah blah blah ultimate human upgrade-cakes, blah blah blah we know already-cakes. Jake got the full promotion to field agent, and the special ops team was founded. Smitty speaks up, and it's so like Bob Roberts when he says, "This team. At. Best. Has produced uneven results." Jake lifts a palm in the classic "give me a fucking break" gesture. The Lady says technology is not the issue here, and while Jake's abilities are impressive…Smitty agrees, saying that the technology was designed to be used in following orders. Which Jake has not done, apparently. Recently "and most egregiously," he disobeyed a direct order to assassinate an enemy of the state. Then he aided that same individual with an attempt to assassinate another individual. Jake's mouth falls attractively open, and he turns and looks at Leader of the Pack beseechingly. She keeps looking straight ahead, then stands up and asks what the possible outcomes of the inquiry might be. Termination of the program, of course. Whoa, is that like cancellation? Ruh roh. Jake pinches the bridge of his nose.

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Jake 2.0




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