Hey, they changed up the teaser thing again. This time, a woman reads the script. Now, I'm fascinated. Just kidding. OR AM I??
I love TiVo for a lot of reasons: the convenience; how it satisfies my urge to hoard (ask me how many hours of Cheaters I have on that thing); the fast-forwarding of commercials. But this week's intro gives me another big reason: the slow button. In between routine stock footage of our nation's capital, a shot of a man in a blindfold was dropped in. Just a flash. And it was cut between shots of our flag and the outside of a building. Non-TiVo-owners missed it for sure. Even with a VCR, it'd be hard to catch. But me and Funhouse saw it, and took the time to pause and rewind and go "WTF?" to each other. Later, we see what it was, but seriously, WTF? What is this, Fight Club? More like Math Club. But in my world, Math Club is secret code for...shit, I can't tell you. I just forgot the first rule of Math Club. No, I didn't forget! The first rule of Math Club is...oh, snap. I just fucked it up again. I'm still in Math Club, though. Shit, I better shut up now. So yeah, there was a split-second shot of a man in a blindfold in the intro teasers, I saw it, and no, you aren't fooling me, Mister Greenwalt.
The music is all fast and pound-y and very Schwarzenegger-esque. Very Predator, very inaugural ball if Ministry were hired to play it. Jake breathes open-mouthed, and the shadow of a sniper moves across a very still American flag. The sniper is sweating and asking for things, on the condition that if his needs are met, no more hostages will be hurt. The Man asks for some hostages in exchange for a demand. Sniper is all, "I'm tired of being lied to by the U.S. government." God, finally. It seems no one else is. Aren't we all full on lies just about now? I'm up to my eyes in lies. I've eaten lies for so long I don't think I know what truth tastes like anymore. Pizza, maybe? And no, I don't know who I'm voting for next November. Jake, using his super-eyes, sees a tiny crack in the wall behind the sniper. He tells The Man that a door was plastered over in the seventies, and he thinks he can bust through. Wow, this sounds like a shout-out to me. Nothing is funnier than thinking about Kool-Aid busting through a wall to make thirsty people happy. Well, that and the snap that goes, your mom is so fat, when people get thirsty they yell, "Hey, Kool-Aid!" and she jumps through a wall. Oh yeeeeaah! The Man tells Jake that snipers are coming in three minutes, and Jake is not to bust through that wall. Who does he think he is, anyway? A giant personified smiling pitcher, bringing relief to those face-down hostages who are probably thirsty as hell? I mean, come on! The Man continues to talk to the sniper, and Jake scurries off. Perhaps to fortify himself with twelve vitamins. The Man notices Jake's absence, and then moments later, ohhh yeeeah! Jake busts through the wall and wrestles the gun away from the sniper, then knocks him out cold. Kool!
After the hostages are bandaged and led away, The Man has a word with Jake. "I gave you specific orders. You think you're something special? Because you have powers? Well, I got news for ya! You're not!" I can see how it's be hard not to feel omnipotent when you're nanite-fueled. The Man is stern for sure, but not Wilford Brimley stern. Jake is letting The Man's scolding roll off him like condensation skee-daddlin' off the sides of a frosty, smiling pitcher. Just as The Man finishes with, "If you don't learn that, somebody's gonna get hurt," Jake looks down as a superficial cut heals before his eyes. Oh, Jake. You're so like Buffy! You have these powers, and you have to learn how to manage them. But you're not Valley Girly; you're Buffy-esque in a sexy, male, twee indie rocker way. I love you. Mwah.