One If By Land

Episode Report Card
Keckler: B- | Grade It Now!
Weekend At New Bernie
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!

Gray and his trigger-happy friend, Bill, arrive at the salt mine. There are people on both sides of a chain-link fence, and they are all loud and rowdy. We get quick glimpses of Skylar and Russell, which probably means the purple-mouthed psycho is skulking around somewhere nearby. Bill makes some Deputy Obvious comment to Gray about how "this isn't good" and how it could turn into a riot. Really, Bill? REALLY? (Bill's an idiot.) Gray tells Bill to keep out of sight until their backup gets there, because he doesn't want the New Bern guys getting trigger-happy. Um, Gray? I do believe that Bill is the one with that particular problem, as he has shown us time and time again. Gray bellows that the salt mine is private property and they -- the New Bernies, I guess -- have thirty seconds to clear off.

New Bern. We see a cabin. It's dark. It's decrepit. In any other show, it would be either a place for Satanic frolics or a charmingly rustic getaway for an urban couple who both pretend to like roughing it and fishing, until cleaning too-small-to-eat perch and invisible but loud bugs send them scurrying for the nearest rose-covered, spa-offering B&B where they finally get honest with one another and their commitment fears and then have sex. But does that scare Hawkins as he creeps up to it with his gun hanging loosely but assuredly by his side? No freakin' way. Hawkins knocks and steps around to the side. Ted pokes his head out and looks around. There's no one there! "Hawkins?" Ted calls. Hawkins appears from the side of the house, his gun pointed at Ted. "What did I tell you, Ted?" he growls. Ted apologizes: "I knew it was you." Hawkins drops his gun and hisses, "Yeah, but if it wasn't me, you just gave up my name." This from the guy who didn't know peephole protocol. On the other hand, the FBI/CIA/NSA/MI6/KGB guy probably has a point: Ted's a moron and has the potential to be very dead before the end of the episode.

Constantino questions Jake about who Hawkins is and where Constantino can find him. Jake -- whom I would love forever and ever if he mimed zipping his mouth closed, locking it at the corners, and pocketing the key -- says nothing, but sort of rolls his eyes, all, "Come ON!" Constantino threatens that things are going to get really bad for Jake and his brother if Jake doesn't help them. Jake wonders why he would want help Constantino. Ignoring that question, Constantino reminds us that Jake, Hawkins, and Jake's brother Eric were caught trying to sabotage the town's only source of manufacturing. Now wait -- Eric tried to sabotage, yes, but Jake and Hawkins were just kind of slinking around the place. They weren't actually doing anything. Not that Constantino would let a little old thing like proof get in the way of things. Jake reminds Constantino that New Bern is manufacturing weapons, and given the state of the world, well, it's more than a bit creepy. Constantino repeats his question about Hawkins, but Jake sits back in his chair, tucks his hands in his pockets, and poses a question of his own: "Why don't you tell me what happened to Heather Lisinksi." The guard in the interrogation room flicks a look at Constantino. YAY! That means she might still be alive, right? I mean, would they bring her up again if we were just supposed go on believing she was dead? I don't know, maybe they would. After all, it's very dark to imagine what a town would do to one of their own, even though they kept Eric alive. Hey, why did they keep Eric alive if they killed Heather? Is it because they are somewhat wary of Mayor Dad, and Heather doesn't have any similar forms of family looking out for her existence? I'd have to scan the angry mob again from last week, but I continue to get the impression that there aren't many women around New Bern, which could mean sex slavery. Constantino tells the guard to take Jake back. "Let's go, boy," the guard says, because suddenly we're in the Deep South and it's fifty years ago. "Word's going to get back," Jake tells Constantino as he's hustled out by his jacket collar, "Word's gonna get back to Jericho about what you're doing, and there's NOTHING you can do to STOP IT!"

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