Jersey Shore

Episode Report Card
admin: B+ | Grade It Now!
Kraft Disservice

As the night goes on, Snooki gets drunker and more desperate for Moby Dick. Sammi thinks they need to reach some resolution to their sexual tension because "it could be dangerous to the health." To wit, Snooki tells Sammi, "If he brings home a girl, I'm going to kill myself." At that very moment, Vinny meets a Dominican chica named Laura who wants to have 10 of his babies that very night. Since she has a DTF gal pal for Pauly, they take the party back to the house. Minutes later, Snooki can't get Vinny out of her mind, so she convinces Sammi -- who warns her not to ruin her friendship -- to head home with her.

Back at the house, Vinny and Pauly are mutually macking with their girls. Snooki stumbles back in and straight into Vinny's room, all, "REALLLLY?" Ronnie immediately jumps in to stop the girls from cock-blocking his boy. He literally has to carry Snooki out of the room caveman-style and smash his hand over her mouth because she's making such a drunken stink about Vinny getting it in with this random. Sammi tries to convince Snooki that she can do better than Vinny and makes a special point of telling Snooki that "Guys are fucked," then looks pointedly at Ronnie. But Snooki has the unique focus of someone who is blind wasted, so it pretty much goes all over her head. As do most things... because she's 4'9". Ronnie brings up the fact that she had sex with Gianni, as if this is something that should sufficiently shame her into leaving Vinny alone. Also? As if the shame of Vinny making it entirely clear he's not into her like that weren't enough. (Then again... been there.)

Snooki notes the ugly irony of Ronnie giving her advice, since he is basically the worst boyfriend ever (aside from maybe Chris Brown circa 2009, though it's a really tight race). Snooki staggers off to bed. Ronnie tells Sammi he's just looking out for both of his friends, and Sammi awesomely tells him not to act "like a drunk fuck." I like brassy new Sammi! Somehow this devolves into a relationship conversation. She tells him it's not their time and that she's not just going to fall back into his arms. He gasps and holds back tears, then assumes his macho stance in a later interview, snarking that he doesn't know what Sammi means when she tells him she's done. Well, Ronnie, she said she couldn't be a relationship with a cheater and a liar. So, I think that's pretty clear.

Meanwhile, JWOWW and Deena have embarked upon the fool's errand of walking home from Karma all by their drunken lonesomes. In case Deena hadn't fully gotten some weird case of foot herpes from walking barefoot, she seals her feet fate by standing entirely too close to JWOWW as The WOWW pees behind a parked car. Worst of all, the gorilla digits Deena picked up at the club fall into a pool of JWOWW's pee when she scampers off to get out of the urinary stream. Sorry, random guy from da club, you lose, JWOWW's bladder wins.

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Jersey Shore




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