Jersey Shore

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Lady Lola: C | Grade It Now!
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Nice Guys Finish Last

The guys advise Angelina to come clean to Jose immediately -- or as Pauly puts it, "before he buys you another Fossil watch." God forbid he spend another $40 on her! Sitch even offers to call Jose himself. Man, they really want to screw her. Just like Vinny did. Maybe that's the root of it all: Jealousy. Even though she admittedly hooked up with Sitch and Pauly D, maybe they feel like Vinny is encroaching on their territory? Or that Vinny has tainted the honor of Sitch's sister by debasing himself by hooking up with Angelina? All I know is that this is not about Jose. He is nothing to them, so clearly it's coming from somewhere else. Vinny and Angelina are just pawns in their whack little chess game. I know, I know. Tell you something you don't know.

Gelato shop. Pauly scoops and creeps, scoops and creeps. Eventually Vinny's mom, his uncle Nino and a veritable sideshow of other relatives arrive. Vinny reiterates how much Italian mothers take care of their sons. You know, since boys are more valuable and all...

Elsewhere, Snooki and JWOWW hit up the News Cafe, that infamous spot of treachery where letters are penned and relationships are ruined. Snooki says that she, having been there first, felt like vomiting when she heard about Vinny pounding out Angelina. Snooki and The WOWW talk shit about what a tramp Angelina is (for doing pretty much exactly what they do). And, because they've done all the damage they can with SamRo 2.0, they start budding plans to fuck up Angelina's life by exposing her to Jose.

Before we return to the house, can I just mention how I do not give enough due to the old-school film reel-style interstitials the editors put in between scenes. I mainly ignore them because I think it's a distraction, but there are some seriously golden ones. Like now, Vinny's mom is in town with her stockpile of food, and they have simply titled the reel "SAUSAGE." And last episode when Snooki's trick brought over his fugly friend, the reel said "MALE GRENADE." I think you could probably get a pretty solid feel for this entire show by just looking at these markers. It would certainly be more concise than all of Angelina, Sammi, and Ronnie's verbal fuckery. One day I hope to see a marker that says, "MOTORCYCLE-PROOF." If any of you editors are listening, make.it.happen.

But back to the show! Vinny's mom hits the house with her famous sausages, olives, stuffed peppers, and -- the clincher -- Entenmann's chocolate cake! Talk about some homemade goodness! She also brings Vinny about a dozen pairs of underwear, at which point I begin to wonder how Vinny got into law school with this kind of babying. Really, underwear? She's obviously never heard of GTL.

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Jersey Shore

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