Jersey Shore

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Lady Lola: C | Grade It Now!
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Nice Guys Finish Last

While Mamma Paula cooks, Angelina brings in birthday boy Jose to introduce him. Cue intense wrath and yelps of "Whore" from the chorus. How dare she bring a boy that she's dating over to her own house! Sitch maintains that Angelina should "man up" and tell Jose about her dalliance from Vinny. From the way he's talking about it, you'd think she'd been with Jose for years, not a week or two. Is a watch on the upper end of inexpensive really that indicative of commitment? Or that worth a game of stuff the salami?

Sammi helps Mamma Paula with her cooking while the guys shoot the bull with Vinny's "OG" (Original Guido) Uncle Nino. The Situation tells Uncle Nino about his rakish behavior, saying one girl he's pursuing is "hot enough to take on a date." Then we're treated to a montage of Uncle Nino's red wine-fueled, half-intelligible Italenglish ramblings, with many impressions from the housemates, including how he has nicknamed Pauly "Spike" and Mike "Sanitation." Awesome. The evening carries on with Mamma Paula's three-course meal occupying about five hours. Ronnie literally wipes away his flop sweat while eating the mounds of pasta, olives, and sausage, then nearly vomits at the thought of it in a later interview. This is the lifestyle that brought us Tony Soprano and Dom DeLuise, guys. For dessert, Uncle Nino joins everyone in the hot tub. Things turn sour when Snooki believes Angelina intentionally pegged her with a volleyball. They hurl the ball back and forth, screaming and taking out their pent-up frustrations with each other. Unfortunately, no one gets maimed.

Sadly, all good things must come to an end. The family leaves, and the kids get ready for a farty, burpy night out at da club. Angelina stages a preemptive strike and calls Jose to cancel their night out because she fears that Sitch will rat on her. Of course that doesn't stop her from grinding on a Cuban guy all night. Sitch and Pauly don't seem to care, though, because they're lining up their DTF tricks and back-ups for the night. One of whom Vinny nearly scoops up from under Sitch until Sitch returns and practically date-rapes the girl to mark his territory, then wag his finger in Vinny's face. Ah, brotherhood! Ah, romance!

Everyone heads home, with Sitch making sweet, sweet promises to massage his chick's ass -- while holding a box of what looks like chicken wings, I might add -- when they get to the pad. At home, Snooki stumbles around judging Angelina's choice to hook up with the Cuban behind Jose's back, and the boys head into their (shared) bedroom. They get the ladies outfitted in their sweat pants and assume that they're about to get their smush on. As it turns out, there are several factors working against this evening's orgy. The main problem, though, is that The Situation is an obnoxious pervert. And even though it seems that his trick is, too (witness her bouncing her sweat pant-clad ass literally on his face), she gets spooked after about five minutes and claims she has a boyfriend. This triggers the other girl to announce that she has a boyfriend, too. Personally, I think they realized they didn't want to be in a porno without getting paid for that shit. They flee with much haste, leaving the boys with sweat pants full o' blue balls. Awesomely, the chick Vinny almost pulled says goodbye to him on her way out then makes fun of Sitch and Pauly's cheeseball lines as she walks away. I think that she and her friend spotted the guys at the club that night and made a plan. At least I hope they did. I'm certainly going to remember them better, and more fondly, after putting on that show.

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Jersey Shore

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