Jersey Shore

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Nice Guys Finish Last

By this point, it's six in the morning. Pauly's still DTF, so he and Sitch pile up all the numbers they've ever gotten from girls and booty call them. Amazingly, they get a girl who claims she's ready to cuddle and offers to be there with a non-grenade friend in 45 minutes. Seriously, it's like they ordered a pizza. While they wait, they primp, flex lovingly at themselves in the mirror, and get their protein on with some scrambled eggs. The girl finally arrives, but she doesn't bring a friend for Sitch. She tells him that all her friends are grenades. As of tomorrow, I have a feeling none of her friends will be grenades because she won't have any. So she and Pauly head inside while The Situation bitterly says he'll just have to "smash" himself. Oh, but it doesn't end there. Instead of self-smashing, he actually makes a ham and egg sandwich and brings that shit back into the room like it's popcorn. He watches as Pauly hooks up, occasionally throwing a fist pump Pauly's way. That is gross on levels that I cannot articulate.

Later, after an afternoon at the beach, Angelina tells Sitch that she's hanging out with Jose tonight and asks him not to fink on her. Sitch derisively likens her to the Staten Island Ferry because everyone gets a ride for free. Once they're at da club, Sitch gets his chance to scuttle Angelina, who is grinding up on Jose. As he maps out his plan of attack, Ronnie comments that Angelina's sneaky ways show what a pimp she is. JWOWW insists she's just manifesting her guilt about hooking up with Vinny. What was that I was saying earlier about double standards? Finally, Sitch pounces, telling Jose that he has something to tell him if Angelina won't. He steps back and watches Angelina squirm. She finally confesses that she hooked up with Vinny. Jose takes it about as well as you can expect. Angelina tries to console him and assure that she's not a slut, all the while saying in an interview that she has no loyalty to Jose and can do whatever she wants. The whole sequence is a farce on about a million levels, one of which is that Vinny is dancing and fist pumping about two feet away from them during this serious conversation. You can't make this shit up.

Angelina shrewdly (whoever knew I'd use those two words together?) removes Jose from the scene and takes him to a restaurant to talk. She insists that she's not into Vinny. He pushes back that she can't confess her sins to him now and then go kiss someone else the next night. Instead of thanking her lucky stars, she laughs that Jose naively assumed she only kissed Vinny and continues to coast by with basically no consequences to her stank behavior. I swear on Pauly's flat iron, this bitch is hideous.

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Jersey Shore

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