Jersey Shore

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Lady Lola: A- | Grade It Now!
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Deena-mite!

If you don't obsessively remember every last, fist-pumping, weave-pulling, Cheeto-colored, grenade-smashing detail of the previous two seasons, then you are in the wrong place, my friends. Get out now while you still have a shred of dignity. For everyone else, I'll spare you the MTV-furnished montage of our BGF (Best Guidos Foreva), because I know you watched the Jersey Shore: Original Recipe and Miami marathons all last weekend and all today in breathless anticipation. Without further ado, on to the shit show!

We open in Poughkeepsie, the town with an enduring legacy of freaks and malcontents, thanks to such residents as G. Gordon Liddy, The Velvet Underground's Sterling Morrison, Ed Wood, and now beloved TV personality and entrepreneur Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi. The Guidette princess preens her pouf, sprays herself with balsamic vinaigrette, and (falls as she) straps on her self-admitted hooker heels -- all in service of making herself irresistible to all the Gorilla Juiceheads once she returns to the Jersey Shore. If that fails, she can always just get wasted and bang her roommates, except Pauly who seems to have some standards and Ronnie who's just a fucking disgusting half-wit who gives gorillas a bad name. (That last clause may have been a bit of editorializing on my part.) With that, she picks up her stuffed crocodile and her leopard-print and hits the road. Literally. I think she may have smashed her front bumper into the pavement on the way out of the house. But Snooki won't let anything keep her from free-flowing bottles and STDs, so she pauses only briefly before blazing off into the midday sun.

Snooki explains that she needed to fill a hole in the house since she "kicked Angelina's ass out" of Miami, so she has gone behind the roommates' backs and invited her best friend Deena, who has just the same joie de vivre as she does. Because, clearly, every house needs a Situation and two Snookis! Nothing's going to blow up in any faces this season, no sir. Snooki picks Deena up in New Egypt, New Jersey -- a convenient 29-mile drive from the Shore. Snooki 2.0 lives up to the hype of her maker, with a similarly gaudy style and a matching quasi-dwarf stature. She says when she and Snooki met, "It was like love at first sight." The girls start their drive to Seaside Heights, and Snooki gives Deena the lowdown on the housemates. She says she's certain she'll get along with JWOWW.

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Jersey Shore

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