Jersey Shore

Episode Report Card
Lady Lola: A- | Grade It Now!

Before Deena and Snooki arrive to "gorilla juicehead Guido heaven," Deena shares that she took three shots before she left her house. Following in the footsteps of her master, grasshopper is sure to stir up a ruckus by night's end. They walk in as Snooki squeals, "Party's here! Times two!" Deena introduces herself to everyone and is variously describes as a gremlin (Ronnie) and a meatball (Sammi). Snooki notes Sammi's snotty attitude and goes downstairs to talk shit about her with JWOWW. Luckily, The WOWW scored the only remaining room with three beds, so all three girls can bunk together. All the better for Deena to ride Snooki doggy style over the coming weeks! Snooki says she would probably kill herself if she had to stay with Sammi and Ronnie, then agrees with the rest of the family that the unhappy couple are a bunch of pricks for so obviously dicking with the social dynamics of the house based on their bedroom selection. On the upside, my dreams have come true, and Sitch will be forced to room with them (unless he raises a stink, which I suspect he will). But, given his asshat behavior at the end of last season, all three of them deserve each other.

While Snooki and Deena shout out their presence from the rooftop, Sammi and Ronnie announce their disappointment with the roommate. While Ronnie wishes he had another bangable chick at hand, Sammi realizes that she's stuck alone on A-hole island now that Angelina's flown the coop. Not so brave to get into a fight with JWOWW now, huh? Which, I can't blame her. Having Deena and Snooki sicked on you would be like being yapped and nipped at to death by drunken Pomeranians. An inglorious way to go, for sure.

As everyone unpacks, Deena -- who's in the midst of a two-month dry spell -- offers up her vibrator for communal use. Snooki jumps at the chance to show off her vibe, a tiny lime green wand nicknamed Tickle Me Elmo. She thinks Vinny will do in a pinch, though.

The Situation finally arrives, hugs everyone hello, and learns of his dreadful fate in SamRo 2.0's room. He grouses and moans as he carries his stuff upstairs, but to no avail.

The guys start grilling up some carcass, and Deena tries to get to know the roomies. She's met with cold disdain from Sammi, who won't even tell the fellow Jersey girl what part of the state she lives in. And so the self-fulfilling prophecy goes. Because of Sammi's stank behavior, Deena says that she's ready and willing to gang up on Sammi with the other girls. Everyone else is much warmer to Deena, doing the civilized, not-five-years-old thing by asking her questions about herself. She mentions that she's a dental assistant, and Sitch recalls that Angelina was also a dental assistant (when she wasn't doing important things like bartending). Pauly decrees that this is the last time they will ever refer to the Staten Island Dump this summer. Deena calls herself "a walking holiday." As per her personal character, Sammi wastes no time in shitting on the metaphor. As per his, Sitch wastes no time in concocting a lascivious simile that Deena the walking holiday is Thanksgiving "because she has a lot to give, and she's down for a lot of stuffing."

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Jersey Shore




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