Jersey Shore
Drunk Punch Love

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Sucker Punched

Previously: JWOWW saw the end of her relationship with both Sammi and Tommy. Bitch slaps were thrown, hard drives were stolen. And now the Shore house has yet more hounds and bitches... of the canine variety.

Long Island. Snooki comforts a weeping JWOWW as she reels from Tommy's janky decision to steal her mattress, hard drive, and money. Snooki says she'd like to track down the no-goodnik and chop off his balls. As you do. JWOWW thinks she's just been through the worst break-up ever. Kate Gosselin, Heather Mills, and Denise Richards are all, "Get off our turf, bitch!"

Back in Seaside Heights, Snooki's friend Ryder arrives and is greeted by Vinny. He admits that it's a little awkward since Snooki walked in on him doggy-styling Ryder. He promised Snooki he wouldn't have sex with her again, so he kills time by introducing her to Deena and making stilted conversation. We learn it's Ryder's 22nd birthday, and she gives Vinny an open invitation to "hang out," which he vaguely rebuffs.

Long Island. JWOWW changes her locks. It might as well be quantum physics for all the confusion that ensues. Where are all the handy juiceheads when you need them?

Seeing that Vinny's useless company, Deena takes Ryder out to celebrate her birthday with lots o' shots on the boardwalk. Just when Ryder thinks she's going to puke, Deena suggests they go on a roller coaster. Brilliant strategy, my little meatball! They play pool, drink, walk hand-in-hand, drink, head home, drink... you know the drill.

New locks in place, JWOWW and Snooki gather up the dogs and head back to the Shore. Everyone pregames at the house while they drive home, giving Pauly and Vinny an opportunity to offer Ryder the option of sleeping in their room that night. In case you don't speak Guido, that's code for "gang bang." All four bitches finally arrive home on the cusp of T-shirt time. If there is not a dog with a pouf by the end of this season, I will consider it a major fail.

The gang hits up Karma. JWOWW is thrilled to see Roger, even though he teasingly calls her Björk because of a feathery bustier top she's wearing. Everyone takes shots and dances... Well, everyone but Sammi, who slaps on her scowl the minute they get there. She thinks Ronnie's hitting on another girl when he's actually just talking to a friend's girlfriend. Ronnie has to calm her drunk ass down and smooth over the stank, which is no easy feat.

Vinny meets a Sicilian trick named Gina. As he tries to weasel his way onto her to-do list, he gets to know her entourage consisting -- among others -- of a person named Nicky Ducks and her uncle. Lost cause, man. Move on. Instead, he invites Gina back to the house.

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Jersey Shore

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