Last season on Jersey Shore: Fists were busy doing many things -- pumping, punching Snooki's adorable little mug, and God-knows-what else when it comes to The Situation and wingman Pauly D's hot tub shenanigans. "Pouf," "grenade," "GTL," "juicehead gorilla," "beat up the beat," and countless other verbal gems entered the lexicon. We all laughed, cried, and ate peppers and sausages as we met Snooki and her back walk-over, Pauly D and his Prince Albert, JWoww and the garments loosely called "clothes" that she employed to cover her rock-hard implants. Also, there was Ronnie Roid Rage, Sammi Sweetheart, two other people who made very little impact on anything, and one truly fierce duck phone. Citizens of Miami, beware. The world's greatest sociological experiment is comin' atcha!
We open during Snowpocalypse 2010. All the Guidos and Guidettes mourn the cold weather in their own ways, mostly overshadowed by Snooki's trademark "WAAAAAAH!" They all decide to escape to Miami, where it's warmer and their burnt sienna-toned flesh won't stand out so much.
Over in Johnston, Rhode Island, Pauly D mourns the lack of tanning and creeping opportunities during the winter and says he's most looking forward to hitting up the topless beach in Miami. He takes to the road to pick up his partner in crime Michael Sorrentino, some of whose many aliases include "The Situation," "Sitch," and "Butterface."
In Poughkeepsie, Snooki tries to force her meatballs (not a euphemism) on Emilio, her boyfriend-for-five-minutes-with-whom-she'd-already-broken-up-at-the-time-of-air-ah-young-love! She introduces America to DOA Emilio, the gorilla juicehead of her dreams, at least for three months or so. She prophetically says of her forthcoming adventures in Miami: "I really don't want to cheat, but you know, if you're gonna hand me a bottle of frickin' SoCo, something just comes over me. I just go crazy."
Next, Povero Emilio shows us what a good boyfriend he was by spraying Sizzling Salads balsamic vinaigrette on Snooki's face. She explains that she can't afford those ritzy tanning salons now that Obama has taxed them 10%. She really sticks it to Ol' Barry by adding that John "Pasty" McCain would have never committed such heresy. It's true, he wouldn't!
Cut to a bit later and a five-minute prop gag in which teacup-sized Snooki tries to hoist her cheetah- and zebra-striped luggage into her oversized SUV. Finally, after much grunting, Snooki rolls out of her driveway, and Poughkeepsie breathes a sigh of relief.