Last season on Jersey Shore: Fists were busy doing many things -- pumping, punching Snooki's adorable little mug, and God-knows-what else when it comes to The Situation and wingman Pauly D's hot tub shenanigans. "Pouf," "grenade," "GTL," "juicehead gorilla," "beat up the beat," and countless other verbal gems entered the lexicon. We all laughed, cried, and ate peppers and sausages as we met Snooki and her back walk-over, Pauly D and his Prince Albert, JWoww and the garments loosely called "clothes" that she employed to cover her rock-hard implants. Also, there was Ronnie Roid Rage, Sammi Sweetheart, two other people who made very little impact on anything, and one truly fierce duck phone. Citizens of Miami, beware. The world's greatest sociological experiment is comin' atcha!
We open during Snowpocalypse 2010. All the Guidos and Guidettes mourn the cold weather in their own ways, mostly overshadowed by Snooki's trademark "WAAAAAAH!" They all decide to escape to Miami, where it's warmer and their burnt sienna-toned flesh won't stand out so much.
Over in Johnston, Rhode Island, Pauly D mourns the lack of tanning and creeping opportunities during the winter and says he's most looking forward to hitting up the topless beach in Miami. He takes to the road to pick up his partner in crime Michael Sorrentino, some of whose many aliases include "The Situation," "Sitch," and "Butterface."
In Poughkeepsie, Snooki tries to force her meatballs (not a euphemism) on Emilio, her boyfriend-for-five-minutes-with-whom-she'd-already-broken-up-at-the-time-of-air-ah-young-love! She introduces America to DOA Emilio, the gorilla juicehead of her dreams, at least for three months or so. She prophetically says of her forthcoming adventures in Miami: "I really don't want to cheat, but you know, if you're gonna hand me a bottle of frickin' SoCo, something just comes over me. I just go crazy."
Next, Povero Emilio shows us what a good boyfriend he was by spraying Sizzling Salads balsamic vinaigrette on Snooki's face. She explains that she can't afford those ritzy tanning salons now that Obama has taxed them 10%. She really sticks it to Ol' Barry by adding that John "Pasty" McCain would have never committed such heresy. It's true, he wouldn't!
Cut to a bit later and a five-minute prop gag in which teacup-sized Snooki tries to hoist her cheetah- and zebra-striped luggage into her oversized SUV. Finally, after much grunting, Snooki rolls out of her driveway, and Poughkeepsie breathes a sigh of relief.
Elsewhere, Pauly D braves the tan-smearing rain to pick up The Situation, who is wearing every piece of Ed Hardy clothing Christian Audigier has ever conceived, fabricated and/or discarded. Somewhere Jon Gosselin's heart breaks a little. Sitch reminds us how close he and Pauly D became last season, thanks to Pauly's willingness to throw his fireproof, motorcycle-proof hair on more than one ugly chick last summer on The Shore. As they drive South, they visualize their plan of attack on the unsuspecting ladies of Miami.
Meanwhile, Snooki picks up JWoww and wonders why JWoww's bag is so heavy. The Woww has two words for Snickers: "Fuckin' bronzer!" Nice. Snooki makes similar declarations to The Situation's and Pauly D's about how Miami betta watch out. She says they're going to be like a tornado, going from place to place and destroy it. With their herpes.
Next we travel to actual New Jersey, where Sammi Sweetheart's friends tell her to get some ass this summer. She recaps the Liz Taylor-Richard Burton-esque relationship she had with Ronnie last summer and how they mutually decided to end things. She acknowledges that things might be weird this go-around, but who really cares when you're getting paid to live on South Beach and smush up on juiceheads for a couple months, right?
Further east in the Bronx, Ronnie and his bros chase their roid cycles with some Ron Ron Juice and talk up Ronnie's new "Single and Ready to Mingle" status. One of his totally dateable buddies (gag me with a salsicc') gives him some precautionary tips for all the ugly bitches he's gonna pound out.
Staten Island. Vinny bids goodbye to his traveling circus of a family, with one uncle advising him, "Don't get too much nookie from Snooki!" He says that his uncles want him to come to Miami and "bang everything," but his goal is to seek out higher quality ladies this time around. Or just any at all?
Somewhere down I-95 South, The Situation and Pauly D are gunning it so they can arrive in Miami first and pick the best room. Oh, but the plot thickens! Snooki and JWoww have put together their bronzer-addled brains to come up with the exact the same plan. The intrigue! The suspense! The summer camp-ness of it all is too much to bear!
Back in the boys' car, Pauly weighs in on Angelina's rumored return. He says he doesn't care if she's back, as long as she doesn't cock block like she did last summer. His attitude may have softened a bit, he clarifies, because she didn't block his cock one bit when they hooked up at a club in L.A. over the hiatus. But as is the life with Pauly D, he used her just like all the others, and the next day it was on to the next.
Speak of the cock blocker, Angelina makes her way down from Staten Island to MIA. She says she's glad to have gotten a second chance even though the rest of us are scratching our heads as to why she did. She says she's looking forward to showing everyone "the real Angelina," not just the bitchy side. I, for one, am not so sure there is another side. To wit, she says that her brief stay in the house last season was so tumultuous because the other girls were jealous. Cut to JWoww and Snooki laughing at Angelina's hype that she's considered "the Kim Kardashian of Staten Island." "What ass?" snarks JWoww. All the while, Angelina gets her lady business waxed and ready as she explains that she's been talking with Pauly D and The Situation, that they "invited" (through production staff intermediaries, no doubt) her down to Miami, so she's going. She declares, "The bitch of Staten Island is back! And ready to party..." for about 12 minutes before she decides she's too lazy to actually work for her paycheck again.
That night, Sitch and Pauly pass through Myrtle Beach and buy about 10 grand in fireworks. No joke. So heavy are these explosive dazzlers, in fact, that their SUV gets stuck in the mud (of a frickin' corn field!) up to its footboards. And let me tell you, as Pauly dials AAA, it is riveting! Psssssh. If this is what they're leading with, I do worry a bit about the sustainability of this show... Not letting anything rain on their moron parade, they set off the 73,000 fireworks while waiting for the guy from AAA -- who gets stuck in the mud after he arrives! Save us all. So they have to call another AAA truck to rescue them. It's a veritable mirror hall of dumbfuckery. Has no one here seen the Oscar-winning cinematic masterpiece My Cousin Vinny?! Eventually, they get out with only one casualty: Pauly's new pair of shoes. RIP Nikes!
Off in another hamlet of Southern Amurikuh, JWoww and Snooki roll up into a roadhouse. From their all-black outfits, it seems obvious they've seen My Cousin Vinny. Because if I'm taking fashion cues from any fictional character, it's definitely Mona Lisa Vito. Stepping up her Deep South game, Snooki dons a cowboy hat so she'll "fit in." Or maybe because the Pouf formed a union with JWoww's bleach streaks, and they both demanded the night off. The ladies immediately note how dead the place is and how they want to get out of there ASAP. Then Snooki sees fried pickles on the menu. This is the moment that Emilio lost his place in her heart, I think. She describes her first time eating fried pickles, and she's like a born-again virgin, juiced for the very first time. She sums up that it was "a life-changing experience."
It's obvious that the next int