Jersey Shore
Goin' South

Episode Report Card
Lady Lola: B | 2 USERS: B+
YOU GRADE IT
Mamma MIA

Sammi arrives next. Mike is the first to recognize her "irritating voice" and the first to put it out there that he'd be willing to take Ronnie's scraps this time around. The boys help with Sammi's luggage, leaving Sweetheart to set eyes on Angelina and make a quick catty quip about the short shorts. And let me tell you, if Sammi, who considers shorts appropriate for a romantic date night out is calling you out for your Daisy Dukes, then you need to reconsider the contents of your closet. Just sayin'.

Angelina asks if she and Sammi are cool. Sammi gives her the brush-off, saying she's reserving judgment because she heard about some of Angelina's shit-talking. Angelina demonstrates her maturity and restraint by immediately going over to talk shit about Sammi to The Situation. He interviews that he's looking forward to watching the fireworks between the girls in the house. As Sammi considers her room choice (helped out by a sign that reads, "Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m."), she confesses she's still hurt and nervous about seeing Ronnie again.

Vinnie shows up next and does a little jig of happiness to see Pauly. Not so much for Angelina, whom he says "lacks brains," which makes them incompatible as friends. He sets up his stuff in the room that he'll share with Ronnie, who arrives shortly after. Sammi says for the gajillionth time that it's going to be a difficult situation seeing her ex, but she'll have to deal with it. He gets the tour from the guys while Sammi wanders around pretending to be busy unpacking but is actually conspicuously ignoring him. She finally trudges out to the kitchen so they can cross paths, and they cut to commercial before we can see his reaction.

Another Blockbuster interstitial (for a heist flick) in which JWoww acts like a vapid, brainless ditz. The ShePratt of the Jersey Shore, if you will. Also, The Situation doesn't steal money, he steals hearts. Ugh.

Back to this show's attempt at a cliffhanger, Sammi makes her way out to see Ronnie for the first time in months. He gives her a friendly, earnest hug, which only makes her fully realize that she's put herself in a potentially horrible situation, particularly by sleeping in the room right next to his. They unpack side by side, and she tries to throw a barb at him (if you consider, "Gym, tan, smush" a barb...). He walks out, and Vinnie appoints himself Captain Obvious to Ronnie's Captain Smush, walking through the closet area to Sammi and singing, "Awkwaaaaaard!"

That night as the housemates discuss the finer points of bikini waxing, Snooki and JWoww finally arrive. In club wear, no less. Or should I say Filthy Couture? They're just as ecstatic to see Angelina as everyone else and give her the silent treatment. Snooki echoes Sammi's concerns about Angelina's ass-talking. The guys sense the tension, but Angelina pretends she's above it, then heads out for a smoke with Sitch and talks yet more trash. For her part, Snooki claims she just wants an apology. JWoww would prefer to smash a bitch's face in. And she may just get her chance because Angelina swears she'll go off on anyone who talks shit about her. Mike tinkles his fingers at the prospect. Cut to Snooki and Sammi making a toast to "having a good time... and girls." Cut back to Angelina interviewing with zero self-awareness that Snooki and JWoww are too fake for her.

The pre-game continues with hot tubbing and Ron Ron Juice that JWoww spills all over Sammi's "favorite white shorts" when she breaks the closet shelf. Question: How many pairs of white shorts do you need to own in order to designate some as your favorites over others? Consider again, my friends, the Daisy Dukes and the glass hot tub. Snooki whines that she feels like a pilgrim when she has to hand wash Sammi's white cooter shorts. Which she then throws, wet, into a garbage bag. She has mentioned being a vet tech in the past. Do you think she does that with the puppies, too?

Angelina crosses through the high jinks. Sammi gives her the side eye, then says she can't face going outside with her ex-boyfriend and the harlot Angelina. Snooki goes out to observe her nemesis in the wild and reports back that Angelina is sitting next to Ronnie in the hot tub. Sammi gets territorial, threatening to simultaneously put the smack down on both of them if they hook up. Just don't get blood on your white short shorts, sweetie!

At a quarter to 11, the gang finally decides to descend en masse on the unsuspecting souls of Miami. They whip out the nighttime sunglasses, the fake hair, the never worn T-shirts, the shots, etc. and finally pile into a cab. Not two seconds into the ride to da club, Angelina -- in the girls' cab -- is yawning. Homegirl is not cut out for this. All the while, Sammi frets that she'll see Ronnie smushing on another girl tonight.

Out of nowhere, Angelina inserts herself into the conversation concocting some tenuous drama about how hypocritical the girls are for stressing over guys when she left the show last season because of a guy (or because she was too lazy and hung-over to work at a T-shirt shop!... but who's counting?). None of the other ladies have any patience for this, and before you can say "Catfight," JWoww is literally standing up in the cab asking if Angelina wants to get punched in the face. The girls continue to say variations of "I hate your scraggly ass," and Angelina ridiculously interviews that she's trying to come into the house with a fresh start and act classy. By gratuitously accusing your roommate of being a stupid, hypocritical bitch in the first six hours? I'm starting to see where Vinny was coming from with this whole "lacks brains" thing.

More screaming. Cut to the dead silence of harmony in the guys' cab. Heh. Back to the caterwauling, Angelina says the other girls are being "trashy." JWoww's all, "Takes one to know one, hooker." Angelina whines that she's being ganged up on. As if she didn't start this entire confrontation. Sammi finally extricates herself from the situation by hopping out of the cab at the first chance. Snooki is still yelling as she exits, calling Angelina a "white rat." Angelina, in turn, tells Snooki she's too tan. Snooki: "I like being tan, bitch!"

They eventually arrive in the club. The girls all move on pretty quickly by ordering the biggest frozen drinks you've ever seen, but Angelina sits herself in the corner and mopes. That tension isn't going to perpetuate itself! Except for in the case of Ronnie and Sammi, who immediately get to fighting over who was more hurt by their break-up. Ronnie interviews that all his pent-up resentment toward Sammi is coming out tonight. They spit harsh, indecipherable indictments at each other until they tire out and get a cab home with Snooki, Vinnie, and JWoww. Before they even get out of the parking lot, Ronnie manages to call Sammi a word that rhymes with "runt" before hopping back out of the car with Vinnie.

As the girls drive off, Vinnie escorts Ronnie back into the club for some creeping. Commence roid-fueled gyrating and vomit-inducing make out sessions with both grenades ("a bigger ugly chick," explains The Situation) and landmines ("a thinner ugly chick"). The best, though, is the in-between shots of Angelina pulling at her hair jealously that she's the last girl standing and still no one cares. But wait! The tables turn as Angelina acknowledges she's collecting dirt on Ronnie to tell Sammi in case they become friends again. But for now, she agrees with Ronnie that Sammi is a C U Next Tuesday. Then we're treated to some more shots of Ron Ron Juicehead, and by which I mean Aaaaaaah! My eyes! Ronnie just pole danced, y'all.

Back at the house, JWoww calls a friend and lays out her plan to beat up Angelina. It involves taking off her earrings, pulling her hair up... and putting Vaseline on her face? Over in the kitchen, Sammi tearfully wonders how she can still have feelings for Ronnie and he can be treating her so badly. She admits she still wants to be with him but says maybe things don't always have a fairy tale ending. But they do end with Ronnie deep-tonguing two girls at once! And Angelina grinning evilly with a twinkle of blackmail in her eyes.

This season: Big sombrero! Vinny bags Snooki! Grenades aplenty! Chick fights! Cement camel riding! And more!

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Jersey Shore

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