Jersey Shore

Episode Report Card
Lady Lola: C | 1 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
Hate in This Club

While Angelina hangs out with the girls to the sound of crickets chirping, the guys think they're going to get their smush on. Instead, our huh-roes are besieged with grenades. They finally find some girls who'll at least take their tops off and get in the hot tub. The Situation comes up for air mid-way through the hot tub high jinks and removes his night time sunglasses to realize they are in the midst of yet more grenades. Worse, Pauly D's body seems to be hurtling in slow motion at one of them! Sitch tries to figure out how to get Pauly out of the trance of the girl's lobster-like sunburn and strapless bra. Because both are so sexy. But she's whispering all sorts of sultry things in the vein of "What happens in Miami..." into his gel-filled ear, and even Sitch's copious mugging for the camera will not save his wingman.

Everyone is momentarily distracted, though, when a chicken cutlet (the kind you put in your bra, not the kind you eat) randomly starts floating around in the hot tub. They initiate a game of catch and eventually decide these girls are too gross and desperate even for their low standards. But before that, all of them spend many strange minutes trying to figure out what the bust-booster actually is. Obviously, these guys aren't as experienced as they claim if they've never seen a chicken cutlet before. And as for the girls, I'm not even going to try to plumb the depths of their hot-tub-soup minds. I might get lost, like I'm four levels down in a dream in Inception or some shit. Who knows what kind of toxic ideas MVP could plant in my subconscious?

The next day, more fun at the gelato shop! Snooki can't reach the ice cream or reach over the counter! But she's still better at gelato scooping than Sammi! And Sitch tries to entice people to come into the shop with his overblown, malformed abs. Then Snooki injures her cooter on a cement camel statue. And likes it.

The kids arrive home from their shift and prepare for another night on the town. Sammi and Ronnie decide to stay in. After about 13.5 seconds, Ronnie jumps ship to creep with the guys. Sammi's hurt. Blah blah blah, tell me something I don't know. After a bunch of back-and-forth, Sammi stays at home and lies in bed alone like a sucker. The girls go out and bitch about what a sleaze Ronnie is. And the creepy creep himself dances 'til dawn. At which point he'll still get some from Sammi. I'd be jealous of the lack of consequences, but then I remember it's Sammi. She is the most painful consequence of all. Save maybe Ronnie himself.

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Jersey Shore

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