We forego the "previously" reel this season and get straight into the action, and by "action" I mean Snooki getting a passport photo. First order of business, she has to stand on an apple box because she's so tiny. Second, who wears a floppy leopard print hat, fingerless gloves, and those boots (couldn't tell if they were camo or macramé or some horrifying hybrid of the two) to get her passport photo. Snook, that's who. She says, "You know, Italy's like that big country. No, no! Europe is that big country." Turns out the boots are also leopard. Snooki throws up her hat like Maria Tyler Moore at Olan Mills as she squeals, "Italy!!!!" Credits.
We join Pauly D in Rhode Island, who once again proves that he's probably the smartest person in the house (because the competition is STIFF!) by making sure he's stocked up on international plugs. That 25-minute blow-out isn't motorcycle-proofing itself. Like Snooki and many Top Models before him, he treats the passport photo shoot like he's pimpin' a product. Which, well, he is. And no photo shoot for Pauly D would be complete without the resounding call of "Passports are he-ah!" If he were William Wallace, this would be his "Freedom!"
Apparently everyone needs to get his/her passport photos, and next is Deena. Here pose of choice? Drop It Like It's Hot. Incongruously, she says that, in Italy, she plans to bring a guy home "but [she] won't do sex." Further incongruously, she sings that she plans to "do everythiiiiiiiiiing" in Italy.
And then comes Vinny in Staten Island, who is brushing up on his Italian, specifically the phrase for "No grenades please!" He says he wants to find a nice, real, traditional Italian girl. He thinks he's got an edge this year -- what they call in Italian a "barba." Yes, Vinny has grown some facial hair. I must admit, it does make him look more mature. But it's illusory, just like everything on this show.
Annnnnd... back to Snooki. She has a few worries about her trip to Italy: 1.) Do they sell fake eyelashes? 2.) How will it affect my relationship with my boyfriend Jionni? In that order. As Jionni packs her panties for her, Snooki assures him that nothing will happen with Vinny. More gems from the Snooki vault: "I have no idea where Italy is on the map, but I do know what shape it is, and it's like a boot."
Over in Manalapan, New Jersey, The Situation (looking more jacked than ever) gets his passport. He believes that European girls are "more free-spirited" than Jersey girls. If by "free-spirited" you mean, "less likely to shave and give it up," then yes, Sitch, you are right on the money. After his photo sesh, he goes to the barber shop and tells the guys that he would "hit it" if Snooki lost weight. Elegance, thy name is Sitch.