Jersey Shore

Episode Report Card
Lady Lola: D- | Grade It Now!
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GTF — Gym, Tan, Find Out Who Sammi Is Texting

High jinx ensue as everyone walks home, including Snooki scraping her knee. Waaaaaaaah! Luckily, her second-rate Pauly is there to carry her home. On a more dramatic front, Sammi suddenly realizes that she was drunk enough to let Ronnie kiss her, and she starts to recoil. A good response. Surely a fluke. She asks Ronnie what she ever did to him. Which is a wildly valid question. He blames her for walking out on him. She wonders why he didn't chase her. And the kicker: He claims he loves her that much. That he was thinking of her and doing what was best for her. And also breaking her fucking glasses. Ack! Regardless, Sammi seems to buy into it -- as ever -- and agrees with him (and the rest of humanity), saying "I had to get away from you." And then he takes recovery for her recovery from her breakdown (that he caused). That Ronnie, he's a one-stop shop of fuuuuuuucked up.

The kids arrive home. While Sammi flees Ronnie as fast as humanly possible, Snooki lets Pauly Jr. attend to her wounds. He proves a good enough nurse that she hands him Crocadilly, with which to get it in. Because that is truly the best seduction line ever: "Lay the fuck down and lay with Crocadilly." Vinny doesn't know what sorts of plushy goodness he's missing, y'all. As they roll around in Snooki's bed, Sammi goes to sleep in the mattress on the floor of her room (because, if you'll recall, Ronnie fucking obliterated her bed frame). For some reason, she deems it "too soon" to return to a relationship with Ronnie. I wonder why... Maybe because he Tazmanian Deviled through your life for the last two years, the climax of which was a literal hurricane of destruction that happened, like, four days ago? She doesn't elaborate, so I guess we'll never know.

The next day, Vinny goes with the girls to get spray tanned, because he's sick of being called Casper the Ghost. He brags that he even showered and exfoliated, then tells the spray tan technician that he wants to be "black." We get a full show as the tech sprays the Moby Dick-shrinkingly cold dye on Vinny's high-and-tight boxer brief-clad body, and I'm here to tell you that Vinny is rocking a pretty good body. I mean, it's no cartoon-character-absurd mess like The Situation, but for a normal person who has other interests besides GTL, it's on point. I'll just ignore whatever weird tattoo he's got going on his right shoulder blade (is that a cockroach?) and skip to the fist pumping goodness. In short, Vinny approves. JWOWW jokes that he looks like he belongs.

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Jersey Shore

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