Jersey Shore
Hurricane Situation

Episode Report Card
Lady Lola: B- | Grade It Now!
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Gee, Unit!

Knowing this night is spiraling out of control, JWOWW heads to the bathroom to calm down Snooki and tell her that her sass toward Unit could have serious consequences. She tells her to chill out before they return to the Shore House.

Back outside, The Situation is wetting his pants with glee at the "poetic" (his word) justice of having "all two witnesses" will be in the same place with Jionni in just moments. I love how he keeps trotting out this idea of witnesses like he's a damn prosecutor in his own little kangaroo court. Ronnie piles on another metaphor: "Nicole shouldn't be blowing up at The Unit if he has dirt on her. That's like a bad chess move there. That's checkmate for Snooki" First off, I'm quite certain Ronnie as much about chess as Sitch knows about being a lawyer. Second off, if anything that would be a bad checkers move. It's not like her blowing up will have consequences five or 10 steps down the road. It will have an immediate impact. Game over. What I'm saying is, don't give yourself or your peers too much credit for class or intellect, Ronnie. To wit, I will finish this portion of the evening by simply quoting Unit verbatim: "She should be licking my asshole right now."

Snooki returns to Jionni, who of course assumes it was about him, but Snooki glosses over the drama. The bartenders make last call, and all the families bid their goodbyes. It's especially difficult for Vinny, who didn't realize how much he missed his family until he got a few hours with them. While he's spinning, so is Hurricane Situation... "and it's headed straight for Snooki Island."

The gang gets back to the house, where Snooki immediately corrals Jionni back to her room for some preemptive smushing. Upstairs, The Situation is similarly instructing The Unit to take off his pants and offers him an array of amenities, including fresh underwear and face wash. Sammi is in the room at the take and casts many a side eye at Sitch's "gay tendencies." Sexy music plays as she notes the similarities between the way that Sitch "wifes up his grenades" and how he's currently treating Unit. Sitch dabs on some moisturizer and douses them both with body spray (about as much body spray as hair spray that he used on his three-quarters of an inch of hair back at the baaaah-buh shop), at which point JWOWW heads upstairs and asks, "Is it supposed to smell like skunk up here?" Ha!

With that, Sitch announces, "Time for war," and they head downstairs. Proving my earlier statement about Sitchy's BS puppeteering, Sitch interviews that he plans to sit back and enjoy the show while Unit and Snooki come to blows. But first, Unit has to get his carnivore on. As we know, a guido doesn't go more than two hours without food, specifically meat. As Ronnie makes the burgers, Sitch notices that Snooki is missing. JWOWW tells him that Snooki and Jionni went to bed, but that simply won't do. Sitch actually goes back to her room to try to get this scene popping. He sees a closed door and curses the wasted potential.

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Jersey Shore

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